I feel like such a fogie (not to be age-ist or anything) but the rot has set in! Well, lately anyway.

All it takes is a couple of months break from deliberate exercise and POOF! ....couch potato!

Kate Winslet says her bottom looks like a cauliflower. Dear, dear, obviously too much vegging out there, Kate! I want my bott-bott to look like a sweet little butternut pumpkin. Except not orange.

It's quite pathetic. When I sneeze I have to hold on to something so I don't put my back out . When I bend over even slightly I have to support myself. I'm creaky and stiff and devoid of muscle tone. AND I'M A DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE !!!!

Does this mean once I am forty plus then I will suddenly get an amazing new TV career?

Ghastly, ghastly fat lips - why does everyone want fat lips nowadays? I dunno.

You know, when we were little our grandmothers would have seen a girl with today's standard of beauty and said "pretty girl, but she has an ugly mouth". Then, undoubtedly they would have said she was too boney and needed a few more curves.

FAT LIPS - I HATE THEM!!!! And, of course, I am meaning the FAKE kind.

Did anyone see Taylor (Hunter Tylo) when she 'came back from the dead' on the Bold and the Beautiful (yeah, yeah, you can stop snickering, my secret's out)????? I think she'd been resurrected with the lips of a chimp! And when poor ol' Ridge (Ron Moss) had to kiss her I wondered if we would ever see him again and maybe they would have to revive him in ten years from the beanbag black hole he'd got sucked into THAT WAS ATTACHED TO HER FACE!

So why am I picking on lips today? Well, I know I feel like punching someone in the lips. Builders. Angle grinders. Need I say more? Also, I have determined that I need to cut down on chocolate, which is not a happy prospect since my only drugs of choice are tea and chocolate (because I am highly wise). Though I have considered going ON to nicotine patches, despite the fact that I don't smoke!

I suppose if my lips were fat enough I could chomp on them ...

I've got the heebie jeebies a bit this morning. One thing you don't expect when you are driving your kids to school is a DEAD PERSON lying on the lawn by the bus stop. Hence the heebie jeebies.

Not that I thought the person was dead at the time... though the kids waiting for the bus (who, I guess, called the ambulance, ) must have suspected it because they were sitting well away! The ambulance came as we entered the carpark , and before we drove out I saw one of them get some blue liquid in a clear bag (what was that?) and then go and fetch a white blanket (I thought it was for shock).

But about an hour later, when I drove by again, the cops were there too, and the white blanket was still on the ground. So I guess they were doing the CSI thing.

Dead kangaroos I expect, and foxes, and unfortunate marsupials. But not dead people!

Yep, I've hit the choccy already and it's not even 11a.m.

So, to cheer myself up, I will also flick through a magazine to see how miserable the "Enhanced Ones" are. And don't try and tell me you don't feel a tiny morsel of delight when you see 'stars without makeup' with REAL LIFE CELEBRITY PIMPLES after we have all been made to feel hopelessly inadequate by their publicity machines!

Sometimes dear readers, I hate to say it, but you can be very prematurely judgemental. Oh, go on get huffy then, click the back button or the next-blog button. But I'm in a stink today and if you stay then you are going to have to put up with it! Everyone's a primadonna.

Oh looky look. There's Brad Pitt on the front cover with a silly hat, smiling and looking increasingly more like John Denver with his chipmunk cheeks. Inside a celebrity wedding ... wannabe celebrity more like. Oh, and lovely Gwyneth with little bubby Apple and another on the way. It's so macrobiotically perfect.

AAgh! Yuk. David Beckham - his jacket looks like he borrowed it from Posh. Hmm, maybe he did, he does wear blue nail polish. Poor ol' Liz Hurley and Teri Hatcher, which has the more stringy and emaciated, sunken cheeks? Teri. Eek, a bare bum, what's that for? Blah blah total body tan. Tans are so passe. "OH this season's hot new tip is the beef jerky look !"

Are there no articles?! Wait - here's a very cerebral one on celebs and plastic surgery. Goodness, Rob Lowe reckons he's au naturale, so I guess he didn't steal his chin from Michael Jackson after all. Sharon Stone says "I'm not afraid of ageing". Ah huh. That's the going line. Desperate Housewives, red carpet/red face. Gasp! Xena (aka Lucy Lawless) has gone blonde. Oh, she's living in the Hollywood Hills, so that explains it. I hear it's some kind of clause.

No........ nope.......hang on ............ no. Disappointing.
I can confirm that there is no one as interesting as me in there.

I'VE JUST SPENT TWO HOURS AT THE SHOPS WITH A BOGEY STUCK TO MY NOSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yet, it was a shapely, elegant one, dear readers, kind of slender and fashionable oh if only it had not been a bogey !!!!

Alas! - it was.

Now, don't go thinking I've descended even further into the depths of feral-ness. I haven't. And I will have you know that I am VERY PICKY about nose appearance! Why, many a time I will inspect my nostrils in the mirror, before going out, to see if there is anything of note up there. I will lift my chin slightly as I pass shop windows. I'll even give my nifty Batman clip-on torch light to Instant Jim so he can have a look when we are in the car, and he is driving, in heavy traffic, at night, during severe weather.

Luckily, it wasn't a dangle-bogey. It was sultry and figure hugging, (the kind you might see on Super-models in BOGUE). And luckily it wasn't what we like to call a "nose oyster", either. In fact, it could have been a lot worse now I come to think of it. Maybe all those gawking shop asssistants thought it was a makeup statement? Or a new organic-shaped body piercing?

This is not the first time I have had a mucus-related incident at the shops. Shall I tell you about 'that' time, or not? Hmmm. OK. Sigh* Who else but me would be willing to PROSTRATE THEMSELF EVEN FURTHER ON THE ALTAR OF EMBARRASSMENT?

'Twas on a dark and stormy night, or at least on a Saturday morning at Woolworths, after I had fled the maze of towering and menacing aisles that I approached the evil, blinking red lights. Trembling, I unloaded my trolley at the check-out with pale hands and a suppressed scream in my breast. Brooding, black eyes piercingly haunted me as, with a sweaty finger, I punched in my PIN number.

"Do you have 'Fly Buys'?" demanded the secret black and midnight hag behind the till.

What was I to say? Dare I utter a word in that cavern of strange merchandise?? And then, amid my hurried and hyperventilating reply, IT happened!


KER PLUNK !!!

From the depths of my nostril, a bogey so hard, so heavy and dense that it must have been its own equivalent in size/weight to dark matter, hit the deck of the counter WITH THAT EXACT SAME NOISE ............. ker plunk!!!!!!!!

'Snot funny!!

If I had a digital camera I would have posted a picture. Bogies are so hot right now!

my life is defined by the mess of other people


tired

No, I'm not using green lettering as a tribute to St Patrick's day. I am using it because I am grotty.

Have you ever "let yourself go'" for a few days, or a week because you were just so busy/stressed/sick/fed up/depressed/just naturally festy? Hmm?? Well, lately it has been like that for me. Just hear the chorus of "Eewwww!!!!!" from any group of teenage girls I happen to go near. They are the most judgemental, hideous creatures. I'm glad they get spots.

You know, even Princess Mary, or Nicole Kidman, or Courtney Love have bad hair days. But I'm having a bad hair week - so bad in fact that I DON'T NEED HAIR PRODUCTS TO BRUSH MY HAIR UPWARDS INTO A FLOPPY POINT....... IF I SPRAYED MYSELF BLUE I COULD LOOK LIKE A SMURF !!!!!

But I'll look on the bright side. Though I am currently highly flammable, at least I am water proof.

Blogger is way better than Myspace. Myspace is a maggotty, virus-riddled, germ-laden DEATH TO COMPUTERS TRAP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every time I go there, I get bombarded with dodgy ads telling me some critical faults have been detected in my computer and windows or microsoft are offering 100% virus free updates (for free) and then they say 'recommended'.

And it does not matter if you click for it - they just start to download!
BEWARE OF ADS FOR WINFIXER !!!

No one really knows if it is a virus, or spyware or what and that makes it extremely difficult to get rid of once its toxic little tendrils have got into your system.

So, beauteous Blogger, please don't go down the Myspace track with intensive in-your-face ads everywhere! Please don't give everyone a fake cyber friend to start them off with! (Someone put a bomb under 'Tom', please!)

And my advice, if you have to visit Myspace, is to only be there for as long as you can hold your breath.

I am totally in a foul mood, right now. Maybe it is because I am living in a pig sty (weekend mess left by OTHER people), or because I might need to go to the dentist (I'll pass on the rinse and I'll go straight to the SPIT), or because I had a demon-possessed shopping trolley this morning.

The question is: do I, or do I not inflict my temper on you, dear '0comments' reader? Now, don't be shy - tell me what I ought to do!

Cyber-people are less annoying than the real kind, don't you find? For one, you can't see their disgusting toe-nails poking out of their masseur sandals. Can't smell 'em. And you don't have to stand behind them at the check out while they unload a trolley full of bowel glue.

Maybe it's because it is Monday. (See paragraph one.)

I WAS A JUNKIE !!!!!! That's why I love reading junk mail. I used to have my own beat and I got paid something huge like $6 per thousand leaflets delivered. I enlisted my Mum to help me and I'd drag her shopping trolley around the leafy suburbs where I used to live, with poor old Mum bringing up the rear on the even side of the street. I did the odd.

Let me tell you, the weight of a thousand leaflets is considerable, and sometimes there were several different ones to deliver at the same time, and sometimes there were SAMPLES. (Which was a mixed blessing - hence the shopping trolley - but I got to keep the left overs. I will never have dandruff again.)

It all ended badly, though. I committed the cardinal sin of junkies: I enclosed several leaflets inside the biggest one, like a folder, enabling the householder to chuck them all out IN ONE FELL SWOOP, holus bolus. AND NOT ONLY THAT but, and I am not proud to say this, I missed out the savage dog houses and the dilapidated letter boxes with scratchy plants
ON PURPOSE !

So now my shame is complete.

Oh, hang on, not quite. I was duly found out by the Junk Mail Pimp Queen who neurotically raced around all the beats in her moldy, rusty car; jumping in and out checking other people's letterboxes to see what exactly was in there. Don't think that was quite legal. Anyway, she came looking for me one day when I was home all alone! Luckily, I saw her coming and so I hid in my Mum's wardrobe (which had slatted doors so I could see out and see when she went) but she could not see me!!!! (Despite her attempts peering through the open windows.)

OH, THE CLEVERNESS OF ME !

p.s. How's this: I was reading a piece of junk mail this morning from a music (CD) shop and on the back it advertised four chosen albums under four different categories being: rock, easy listening, country (ew!), and classics. So, guess what they had under the last one. Bach's The Well-Tempered Clavier? Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata? Some dirgey requiem by Handel or somebody? Au contraire, mes ami ! They had, and I'll list them:

1. 74 Jaibreak AC/DC
2. Hotel California EAGLES
3. Bat Out of Hell MEATLOAF
4. Metallica METALLICA

Now nobody had better ever say I live in a cultural back-water again!!

Sheep trucks smell like lemon sherbet!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Think about it, .... get that in your mind's nose ......yes? .....YES!

And mangoes taste like glorified CARROTS!!!!!! YES! Right again!!

Now where else, but on this magnificent blog, will you be able to share in such glorious olfactory revelations?? You will search and search but in vain because no one but me has the courage to deal with these weighty matters! In fact, this type of good, relevant information is as hard to find as a big word meaning 'of or to do with the faculty of taste', (the closest thing being "sapidity", which I am not sure is correct).

Of course, everyone knows that parmesan cheese tastes like ants (both contain formic acid) so why do we keep eating the stuff? And beer smell has always left me with the impression that someone's toddler has spat milk arrowroot biscuits into the can and left it open in the sun for three days.

Ahh, the mysteries of life!

Hope I haven't spoilt your sherbet balls (or sheep marbles - whatever your preference).

JOKE:

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: NONE! The key-board player does it with his left hand!!


HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hardy ha ha ha ha ha ha har har har har har har guffaw ha ha guffaw snort snort ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

stupid STUPID COMPUTER DIDN'T SAVE MY ABSOLUTELY GENIUS POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate hate VOMIT COMPUTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH you would have loved that little post, dear readers.................. it was so cute and fluffy

just you wait stupid Dell computer, just you wait "oh I'm so user-friendly Blogger", just you wait because when you least expect it I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!

THE DANISH CARTOONS

First of all, if you left a comment on the last post would you mind leaving it again ? I accidentally deleted it before reading (because I had published the same post twice). Yep, typical. Oh, and if you would like me to visit your blog, leave your address on the comment box because I'm hopeless at finding anyone with blogsearch. Sad, I know.

What can I say about the Danish cartoons reaction? Probably most things have been said, usually about freedom of speech, freedom of choice, autonomy of nations, etc. The west is staggered at the riots and deaths over these (mostly unseen by mostly all people) drawings.

I have worked as a cartoonist, in my university days, for a newspaper and the only thing I ever was censored for was a gay cartoon, and I never could figure out exactly why. Perhaps the editor had an attack of journalistic objectiveness, because I can remember a subsequent one that did go to print where I challenged the editor's power of veto by showing him talking with one of the columnists saying something like, "NO, no! Don't offend the gays - offend the Christians instead .... they'll forgive you!"

- I will diverge for a moment to make the observation that is it not interesting how the Muslim lobbyists have taken a leaf out of the gay lobby's book, and started firing the term 'islamophobia' at anyone who happens to exercise their free speech and question anything about them? Yes, the 'homophobia' PC tool has been very effective indeed, and other groups see this.

So what points will I make about the Danish cartoons? Not the usual, and I don't want to go on and on about it in any kind of emotional, outraged fashion. The way I see it is that the people who are demonstrating and promoting wholesale slaughter of Westerners have not actually taken time out to consider their religious motivations.

Mohammed is regarded as a prophet of God by Muslims, but still only as a man. Idolatry is a big issue in their culture and that is reflected in their art and I don't think you will find they have too many figurative representations. So even depicting Mohammed is kind of abhorrent to them to start with.

But what they are failing to see is that by elevating Mohammed with such esteem, and placing him on such a pedestal, has gone way past 'respect' but has now entered the realms of idolatry and furthermore, that this becomes paramount to blasphemy.

In other words, the people involved are virtually making Mohammed equal with God. So, really they are Mohammedans in their actions. Worshippers of Mohammed.

I think some would give a serious rethink to what they are doing if this was suggested to them. Like I said to start with, I don't think they have examined the implications of their actions. Idolatry, as far as I can see, is actually rife
in the Islamic world: if it is not Mohammed being deified, it is the servitude to various prominent religious leaders.

To these Muslims, I know a lot a Western concepts are foreign in all senses. But I hope logic and reason are not.