I WAS A JUNKIE !!!!!! That's why I love reading junk mail. I used to have my own beat and I got paid something huge like $6 per thousand leaflets delivered. I enlisted my Mum to help me and I'd drag her shopping trolley around the leafy suburbs where I used to live, with poor old Mum bringing up the rear on the even side of the street. I did the odd.

Let me tell you, the weight of a thousand leaflets is considerable, and sometimes there were several different ones to deliver at the same time, and sometimes there were SAMPLES. (Which was a mixed blessing - hence the shopping trolley - but I got to keep the left overs. I will never have dandruff again.)

It all ended badly, though. I committed the cardinal sin of junkies: I enclosed several leaflets inside the biggest one, like a folder, enabling the householder to chuck them all out IN ONE FELL SWOOP, holus bolus. AND NOT ONLY THAT but, and I am not proud to say this, I missed out the savage dog houses and the dilapidated letter boxes with scratchy plants
ON PURPOSE !

So now my shame is complete.

Oh, hang on, not quite. I was duly found out by the Junk Mail Pimp Queen who neurotically raced around all the beats in her moldy, rusty car; jumping in and out checking other people's letterboxes to see what exactly was in there. Don't think that was quite legal. Anyway, she came looking for me one day when I was home all alone! Luckily, I saw her coming and so I hid in my Mum's wardrobe (which had slatted doors so I could see out and see when she went) but she could not see me!!!! (Despite her attempts peering through the open windows.)

OH, THE CLEVERNESS OF ME !

p.s. How's this: I was reading a piece of junk mail this morning from a music (CD) shop and on the back it advertised four chosen albums under four different categories being: rock, easy listening, country (ew!), and classics. So, guess what they had under the last one. Bach's The Well-Tempered Clavier? Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata? Some dirgey requiem by Handel or somebody? Au contraire, mes ami ! They had, and I'll list them:

1. 74 Jaibreak AC/DC
2. Hotel California EAGLES
3. Bat Out of Hell MEATLOAF
4. Metallica METALLICA

Now nobody had better ever say I live in a cultural back-water again!!