Oh no, Instant Jim is back on Atkins again. It's either all or nothing .

On Sunday he was busy making himself sandwiches filled with chips (an English delicacy called a chip 'butty') and chuckling about being on FATKINS, and on Monday he's telling me at tea time that we can't put carrots in the stir-fry because they have too many carbs!

Get out the Ajax- the slime breakfasts have started again, too! Greasy egg/cheese/bacon combos spattered ALL OVER the kitchen (how does it get on top of the rangehood?). And then there are the kitchen experiments to make the lowest carb simulated-biscuit possible. ( Carb-nazi.)

Of course, no conversation will be complete without discussing the total carbohydrate percentage in lard and dripping- and which artificial sweetener is less likely to cause tumours in lab rats?(We'll have that one, thanks!)

Worst thing though, is the surreptitious way I have to go about eating chocolate. Stealth and subterfuge, and a lot of forward planning - that's what it takes! Also a certain amount of skill and natural sneakiness. Pretty well perfected it now : the sleight of hand involved trying to manoeuvre said choccy from behind the cushion (behind me) to my mouth while making it look like I am just taking another sip of tea ...

Who'd win in an Atkins versus Pritikin grudge match?
Answer: neither .....THEY'RE BOTH DEAD!!!!!!!

There has got to be a lesson in that somewhere.