anonymous jones

Dedicated to the nicheless and the nameless ... fringe-dwellers of the madding crowd (does that sound pretentious enough?..)

Friday, June 03, 2011

Yay for parsnips!
Yay for beetroots!
Yay for swedes.! No.  Not yay for swedes, boos big boos for swedes.
But yay for all the other ugly, mysterious veges that lurk in the corners of the supermarkets that SOMEONE (probably highly anonymous) must buy.  Invade the personal trolley space of all the shoppers you pass and see if I'm not right.  You won't find anyone with one of these Pariahs Of The Vegetable World in their trolley or any check-out-chick who can name them without asking the only attractive and intelligent customer who does happen to want to purchase them what they are. Sigh, the looks one gets.

Yes, dear readers, yet again I am to be found at the forefront of the avant garde,  leading the way this time on the outskirts of the aisles in a daring vegetable revivalist movement.  Stand and deliver!  It's kind of like the New Romantics of the 1980s, but more thrilling because I have finally ditched my parasol and am now showing my ankles. ( I bet Adam Ant ate his nan's smelly old-fashioned veges, and I bet, while they weren't combing their hair, the guys from Spandau Ballet countered the negativism of Brit-punk nihilism by shelling broad beans for their mums.)

It's actually a very controversial field of study is vegetable history. There is such academic discord on what is theoretically the oldest vegetable known to man. Now don't begin to obsess over this yourself: it has driven many mad. Of course,the popular trivia answer is the pea (tsk tsk  botanically a fruit) and there is no reason for this other than the word "pea" in a room full of bingo-going quiz-night tragics who have had one too many plastic cups of tepid lemon barley cordial, will guarantee a full house of giggles.  

I have also read someone suggest Bristle cone pines  -  but that is just weird and also waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much fibre.  

So the boffins MOSTLY narrow it down to lettuce, onions, garlic and potatoes.Clearly, they are not trying hard enough and need more funding.

Newest vege?  Obviously the answer would be a genetically modified frankenfood, but there are so many of them, who can keep up to date? The scientists create them for fun, just to see if they can, and, well, why not?  They've probably all run out of lemon barley cordial and besides, they've poached all the funding from the serious research so they've got to do something with it! Here's my current favourite: 
It's a lemato.

Just dandy!

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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The American Way is not enough anymore, claims Man of Steel !

Have you heard the kerfuffle over Superman's plan to renounce his citizenship in issue #900? Despite the unlikelihood that The-Most-Famous-Illegal-Alien-Of-All-Time-Who-Never-Went-Through-Immigration could do that anyway, this is BIG NEWS. Yes, apparently the population of the United States has taken it to heart and knickers are in knots all over the country.

Well, what's it all about? 

Supes is tired, it seems, of being politicized internationally by war-mongers.

So who can blame him? 

He's had nearly 80 years of this kind of thing (though some may unkindly suggest that he's a bit of a dim himbo who ought to have expected it after parading around in Super-snug red undies and blue reeeeeeeeeeeeally tight tights for so long). 

You don't agree? Then try this experiment at home: pack a suitcase of said undies and tights for yourself and hop on a plane for the Middle East, spend a week there in costume and see just what lovely apolitical and neutral sentiments you inspire. 

Time for a makeover, then, with his new Citizen Of The World status. I know! Get Trinny and Susannah on to him!   They'll bundle those sagging pecs into a good push-up man-bra! He needs a bowtie, too, methinks. They're cool. And the old slogan (er .. you know the one)is a bit , well, embarassing, especially post Wikileaks.  

What's a good motto for the new, revamped, international Superman?

 Hmm ... Truth Will Out?  

Oh no - that's taken.

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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Well, it is kind of funny that Norway’s entrant in the Eurovision Song Contest is singing in Swahili.    "Haba Haba".  And is from Nigeria.  
Well .. good on her, I say!
Still funny, though.
Ahh, but that’s the wacky beauty of this song Olympics!  And from a non-European point of view the quaintness of this continent which is so ..well  foreign, is the curiosity factor that makes us tune in and watch it. It's like a nature documentary, in a way.  In fact, I bet Sir David Attenborough is probably in front of his telly right now, too, (in his blue shirt).  Yep, there he is, with a tartan blanket over his knee, cup of  steaming Horlicks, slippers and spaniel next to him as he tries to comb his hair into a vertical Eurovision-do while observing the complicated singing rituals of 43 countries and wishing he could pickle them for the British Museum.

And what fun!  This year it’s held in Germany!  No-one more fun than the Germans.  Those funsters!  And their hosts are not appalling at all. And their funnily pretend-offensive jokes only SOUND like they get horrified gasps from the international audience, but that’s the collective snort of oxygen replenishment by thousands of people as they inhale for another  hearty ha ha ha! ( You’ve got to be careful when you do that not to snort saliva up your nasopharynx and  into your sinuses because then it hurts and that’s no fun.)

Hot tips to win:  Hmm it’s a tough one this year.  Early on I thought it  might be a Battle Between Hair Extensions which look AWESOME with a wind machine  (and a person in a bird outfit).  Hmm .. I dunno ... ...  swarthy rapping Greeks in puffy shirts are hard to beat.  Plus they have killer Sith Lord dance moves. Opa!  And France’s video looks good, like the ten tenors except he's just one. The twins will be a big fad. (Newsflash!  The German comedienne hostess - who may or may not have had her teeth filed into sharp points, it’s hard to tell on a 12 inch screen from 18 feet away in the dark – has announced that Greece are finalists.) Yay!  And the Irish are, too!  Double yay!!

I just love the amplified ethnicity , the strobing bad taste, the microcosm of strange English sentences.  It's a snow globe of  Euro oddities that if you shook it up and down would clog the air-con and all airways for weeks, perhaps months, with glitter from the costuming.  But who will win?  Meh ...who really cares? 

Know any good Swahili jokes?

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Friday, April 29, 2011

Ahh, the Royal Wedding!!! Prince William and Kate Middleton!

Of course, dear readers, I had a front row seat with Prince Poppet.   I'm not sure how much he saw of the ceremony etc., (buried under his beach sand as he was and tucked up in his little shell) but I know he was listening - after all, the aristocracy have got to stick together! Sure, they're human and he's a hermit crab but don't be crabbist - the Royal Family and Prince Poppet have a lot in common! Firstly, they all live in a kind of hot house, a bubble of artificially maintained reality. Secondly, they have a preference for caviar, and thirdly they exist as our pets.

Yes, the Royals are very good national pets of Britain and that is my argument for the monarchy. In fact, considering two billion people watched the wedding - which is ONE THIRD OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION (gasp!) their worth extends beyond Britain and even the greater Commonwealth to the whole planet.  Yes, I think they are pretty good value.

Walkies, Poppet!
Long live 'em all!!!

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Friday, April 15, 2011

i rather think............................................................................................................. the world will end........................................................................................... smothered.under............................................................................................................................... a layer of............................................................................................................. ECO.BAGS

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Friday, April 01, 2011

Teenagers in their last two years of high school are the coolest people on the face of the planet! That means sixteen and seventeen year olds. After that they join the rest of us on the down hill slide.

They have the fastest, fickle fads of anyone and there is no one who can keep up with their highest level of cool.

Lady Gaga? She's 25. Washed up.

Robert Pattinson? Fogie.

Tutankhamun? 18 or 19 - see .. one or two years only and the rot set in there.

Justin Bieber? Oh well. There goes that theory.

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Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Testing, testing, 1-2-3 testing.
Let's crank this baby into gear.
Nope, still a few bugs there.