Holidays! WHO LOVES SCHOOL HOLIDAYS?! (Will all you teachers please put your hands down; I can't see anybody else.)

Yup. Two weeks of UNADULTERATED FUN FUN FUN! All that controlling, all that bossying around, all those peeled grapes, all that FREE CHILD LABOUR!
I seem to drink so much more tea on holidays.

Actually, dear readers, I may be somewhat busy with the Little Pigs for the next fortnight (just in case you may, sniff, miss me or something...). But GUESS WHAT THE HIGHLIGHT IS GOING TO BE??? No, not the trip, not the beach side chalet, not the op shops, not the Busselton Hippy Shop, not the chocolate factory or Mammoth Caves. NO NO NO! It is the traditional (well, since last year anyway) HOLIDAY TIE-DYE T SHIRTS!!!

Woo hoo! But why are the children running away and hiding every time I mention it? Don't they want to wear hoopy froody matching tie-dyed shorts, T shirts, windcheaters, undies and shoe laces? I mean, we are talking matching here; or in the fashion world, I believe they call it 'coordinating'. Yes! Complete outfits! What are those kids? Some sort of freaks???

Haute couture is like vegetables. It's my job (duty!) to make them like it. Love it. Embrace it! And you know, where we are going is a pretty stylish place: chockers full of vineyards, hand-made soap shops, and teachers on holidays. So we must present well, dear readers, we must present well.

I'm going to do my clothes orange with pink circles, and turquoise with purple and blue circles, and pink with orange and maybe yellow circles. Did you notice the recurring circle motif throughout? Clever that. It's a fashion designer technique I picked up. Hoo hoo! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Now where is that grape-peeler of mine? OH, still at school till three o'clock, that's right.

Goodness, I'm bored. Which reminds me of a school friend, dear readers, who used to say to me on the phone, "I was bored so I thought I'd ring you". Flattering, yes, in a desperate type of way. Her nick-name was 'Slow' and her older sister used to dye her hair grey. They had a backyard full of chooks and ferrets and budgies and all sorts of animals. Lots of poo.

Anyway, I was bored so I thought of you, dear readers. Well, actually not bored really but rather lazy. Yes, lazy is a good description. I could be doing all kinds of stimulating domestic facilitating but .. can't be bothered!

If everything is messy then it all kind of matches, doesn't it? I like to think of it as 'squalor chic'.

YAWN. This is too tiring.

PIZZA!!! My vegetarian, thin crust, light-cheese pizza is CALLING ME from the fridge! I've had this problem before, only with chocolate and cake. The trouble is, I am having what my Mum used to term, one of my CAMEL DAYS; except I think my camel day has been going on for a week. She used to say 'camel day' because, as a kid, I would hardly eat anything for ages and then all of a sudden eat everything in sight! I never stored it anywhere, though, I'm not a hump-back. Or a hunch-back.

I have tried fighting it. I have had almonds. I have had more almonds. I have had corners off a slice of wholemeal bread plastered with coconut oil butter. I've had green tea, linseed meal, wheatgerm, yoghurt, soya milk, psyllium husks and sunflower seeds all this morning and it is only 10.50 am!. I've run out of dates. Don't fancy prunes. Then I fell. Not proud to admit it but, yes, I did scrape out the dregs of the kids' peanut butter jar and eat that on a spoon while I was logging in. OH MISERY!!

Every now and then I stand up and kind of wander about aimlessly, have another almond and sit down. I've got it pretty bad!

Temptation. The T-junction of temptation is where I am, dear readers. To the right is the RIGHT way, of course. To the left is the way to the fridge. And once I start eating like a pig, or a CAMEL, I won't be able to stop! After the pizza it will be something sweet that I'll be hunting. Then something else, then something else, then the dog's food will start to look appetizing, then the DOG will look appetizing....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

How do those Survivor contestants do it? Well, apart from the fact that they have no choice? In Australia we currently have an Australian celebrity Survivor on, which is pretty woeful and BORING because none of them are even slightly psychotic or deranged (they should have imported at least one American contestant!) Anyway, one of the men, the strategic cook, made dinner for everyone out of hermit crabs which he pulled out of their shells and mashed up into a kind of paste which he then cooked.

I could do that. Prince Poppet and Spidercrab are clunking away over there in their deluxe crabitat (periodically we go to the beach and collect different seaweeds and seawater which then get frozen for them - so they have a nice catered-lifestyle, plus the tank is heated). But they don't exactly earn their keep in any way. Hmmmmm. HMMMMMMMMMMM.

"Here crabby crabby crabby!"

Nah! Only joking.

EXIT STAGE LEFT.

Don't ask me why Canadian semen is expensive at $1500 a pop! It just is. So if your pregnant three-legged Jersey heifer had a spot of artificial insemination with this "elite" stuff you'd want to get her a nice new prosthetic leg, too, right? Good ol' Farmer Geoff Heazlewood from Tasmania is doing just that for recent amputee, Theresa. Sensible man. And let's hope Theresa's calf will show all the good breeding that Canadians are reknowned for!

There is so much heavy news in the world at the moment. But I don't want to talk about Theresa today (though I will try and keep track of her and her progress. Apparently four prosthetic limb-makers are falling over themselves wanting to be the ones who do this 'other' deed for Theresa ..). Stay tuned.

Today I feel it is my duty to bring you the daring exploits of Pablo Wendel. Now, I know you are probably sick of hearing about him: "Pablo Wendel this Pablo Wendel that", but he needs to be celebrated and thus take his rightful place in the artistic history of THE WORLD. And, in case you are an uncultured person and dreadfully ignorant of all the important world-changing achievements of we artists, crafts-people and mime practitioners, I had better fill you in on Pablo's latest.

Well, 26 year old Pablo Wendel is a German performance art student who is currently in China. Do a lot of Germans go to China? I know the Japanese and the French have a big thing going. (But not as big as Canadian and Tasmanian cattle!) Anyway, Pablo, being German and therefore a right funster, thought very carefully about where he would stage his next crazy crazy funny German piece of performance art ( ie., where he would get MAXIMUM laughs and tolerance). Consequently he came up with those famous life-size terracotta warriors that were dug up somewhere in China - which is now a major tourist mecca. (Except I don't think I have heard Muslims go there a lot; though I'm sure Muslims and Germans and Chinese share heaps of jokes together). Anyway, it's a metaphorical mecca.

So what did Pablo do? Film it for Funny Home Videos, I'm hoping ! Apparently he swanned in there with his home-made warrior outfit and small pedestal (as you do), put on his military costume, and set up the pedestal in the pit among the 2000 terracotta warriors and horses; standing there still and unblinking for A FULL TWO MINUTES. Then the Chinese finally caught on that the pink-faced statue with rosy cheeks and facial hair was probably not Chinese, either past or present, and sent him packing back to his art school. BUT THE ACCLAIM OF THE WORLD WENT WITH HIM!!! So much for Super Powers.

Now I'm thinking this will start a new Terracotta Warrior Joke Craze. Something, possibly, like that craze many years ago around the world where you would steal your neighbour's garden gnomes, take off on an overseas holiday with them, and periodically send postcards from the gnome, or photos of them at famous tourist sites (like in China!) back home to your poor nervously-wrecked neighbour. What a lark that was! My sister did this. (I never went far enough.)
Yes! I can see it now! In fact, I can see one better than that!

How about nicking a few dozen terracotta warriors out of the pit and replacing them with garden gnomes!?! Those Chinese officials would laugh their heads off (or yours) wouldn't they?! Now, of course we would have to be culturally sensitive and not use any of those rude garden gnome statues that are available (you know the ones); but I think maybe gnomes holding garden implements, lanterns, Mulan DVDS, etc is OK or even some of the Disney seven dwarves! Here are some gnomes I found:

Oh, by the way the BEST spelling error I EVER SAW was "Garden Knomes"! HA HA HA HA HA HA H A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!! (Pside-splitting!)

Oh, and by the way again, I am actually a gnome-owner myself. When scientists finally unravelled the human genome ( Clinton was U.S. president) I went out and got a set of gnomes for my garden as a memorial. I thought it was funny.

Also, if you google images for garden gnomes, it is interesting that one of the pictures that comes up is that huge carving thing in America of the four presidents at Mt Rushmore. They must have been really big for gnomes .. . Another image that comes up is Gary Glitter. Ew!

So what's the bet this Terracotta Warrior Joke Craze has a domino effect? (I'd like to see that, too!) Garden gnomes and three legged cows everywhere will be shooting off to China IN DROVES. And probably Ashton Kutcher. This is not the last we will be hearing, I'm sure!
No Canadians though, please. We need you for other things.

People call me a hippy but I say, "NO! I'm too young to be a hippy!" I mean, you had to be a teenager in the sixties/seventies didn't you? But they say, "Well, you look like a hippy, and you eat like a hippy and you act like a hippy" and then I say, "Excuse me, this conversation is over. There are trees to hug."

I've just bought another magazine for poor, bored Mum. 122 pages for $3.80 which, according to the calculator function on my mobile, is about 4.6 cents a page. Capitalist pap. But the colour piccies are good and that's what Mum wants, I guess.

"I STILL LOVE JEN!" Brad tells Ange. "Our Recipe for love" Jamie and Jools Oliver tell how they've kept romance on the boil."Free ...at last!"Katie Holmes emerges pale and miserable. They are the classy stories (those which come before cannabis cuddles and killing, a monster burnt my tot in a dryer, and the Elephant Woman no more..) But it is this one that caught my attention the most, "CONTROVERSY: Mary joins Hippie Crusade".

Ah ... Princess Mary! Who could not love our Princess Mary of Denmark? (We provided the Danes with her and they provided us with excellent supermarket jam.) "Mary Queen of Hippies". Apparently Copenhagen has a big hippy commune that has been squatting nearby on an abandoned army base since 1971. The current government are fighting the love, man, and are trying to force them out so they can pave paradise and put up a parking lot. But Mary has come to the rescue and is going to fight for them (which is surprising, really, because our Mary used to be a real estate agent before she married Prince Fred, so she should TECHNICALLY appreciate the location location location argument from The Establishment).

It sounds a pretty groovy place to visit, though; they have a market full of hippy goodies, shady trees and grassy areas and lots of important hand-painted street signs that remind visitors to do things such as " Slow down, use your goat". Now any place that is goat-centred is alright by me .. and Mary, too,, it seems! Clever Mary. I reckon she'll develop the tourist potential there if she wins. Either that or form her own nation.

Anyway, there's not much more in the magazine. Well, only the makeup and recipe pages, but who reads them? (Especially since they probably endorse animal testing and wouldn't know a lentil if it came up and bit them!)

Wait! I spoke too soon! Just after the super crossword, the bogus week-old astrology predictions, the spot-the-difference photos of Sarah Jessica Parker, and the cash-back bonanza competition is a few final pages of "entertainment news" (read "unsubstantiated-hearsay-but-we-are-pretty-sure-we-won't-be-sued-if-we-print-this-news"). And I certainly hope Princess Mary has this edition of New Idea because apparently LIZ HURLEY has announced she wants to quit Hollywood and become a FARMER. She has joined a pig breeders' club and plans to develop a range of organic food. Now, obviously Liz needs a bit of assistance with the pig part of that, and needs to substitute the words "non GMO soya bean", but I reckon Mary could help her out a bit, too! Especially since, in the glossy pic of Liz holidaying in Italy, she is wearing a PAISLEY PRINT tunic dress with beaded ties! So you know what that means, don't you? Yup. Obviously a latent hippy!

I love hippies. If only they hadn't cooked their collective brains on drugs, slept with everyone possible and thrown away all their deoderants they would be RULING THE WORLD BY NOW!!! It's sad, isn't it? It's like the ageing of idealism and the death of potential or what could have been ...

Dear readers, let us form a circle around the world, hum Kumbaya, and hug a hippy today!

Peace out.

*** *** ***

Poor ol' Steve, hey?

In the past week Australia has lost two of its most colourful sons: Steve Irwin "Wildlife Warrior" and Don Chipp, the provocative founder of the Australian Democrats.

Yesterday was the day after Fathers' Day in Australia, so what an awful time for Steve's beloved kids and wife. Trust him to die like that! They reckon he pulled the stingray's barb out of his chest himself before he died. Poor ol' Steve. What a bugger of a way to die.

Don went last week, but it 's not as sad because he was 81, which is a pretty good innings. Good ol' Don. He changed a lot of censorship laws in Australia. When he first started out as a minister, he could not even get a list of the censored books and items because the list itself was censored! There was one notorious example where a Noddy book (by children's author Enid Blyton) was banned because it contained the sentence "And Noddy walked down the country lane and felt a little queer". Don changed all that. But his most famous contribution was to our political vernacular( when he got so cheesed off and left the Liberals and formed his own party ) with the most wondrous political slogan OF ALL TIME which was:
KEEP THE BASTARDS HONEST !
Yeah, good ol' Don. Apparently the Queen used to flirt with him a bit!

I hate it when people die. Especially, I suppose, when it is premature. I watched an interview on "Enough Rope" last night with each of them, and it is interesting to hear how they wanted to be regarded. Don just hoped to be remembered as honest; a pollie who tried to keep his integrity. Steve wanted to be "an example" to the world in caring about the conservation of wildlife. Did you know he spent his fortune buying endangered habitats around the world? The greedy glitterati, corporate moguls, and amoral governments could learn a lot from him! He cherished his family and would have died a million times over for any one of them: there are a lot of judgemental people who could learn a lot from that, too..

R.I.P., mates.

I know I'll never have a cape but I bloody well feel like I've got a right to one!

Why is everyone so namby pamby and mimsy, all eagerly towing the party- line with never so much as a peep of opposition?

Because they are afraid to upset the status quo, end up with no friends and have everyone consider them a maverick trouble-maker. Gutless.

Yes. Jones is in a stink again. Jones is fed up with the entire population of the world again (except you, dear readers: esteemed ones). It's always me. Always bloody me who has to stand up and point out the illogic and idiocy , hypocrisy, and inequity!!!

"You are always angry about everything." "You are always against everything." "Why are you so bitter?" Dribble dribble dribble. Well, perhaps it's because everyone is so wrong and insanely STUPID!!!

And yes; after a while it does irritate me, especially when I am inevitably left without support as a lone stinking crusader! Sure, I don't like confrontation much, though I used to find it exciting as a teenager. However, after all the battles I have been in, the novelty wears off; but the sense of obligation to speak up never does. So I always get myself in trouble.

And I've done it again. I've set it all on fire once more. Though this time I have lit the match but I am not going to fan the flames because I know better in this situation. See? I'm wise, too. Like Astroboy.

But I am "that" person again: the dissenter.

Where's my theme music???!