Don't ask me why Canadian semen is expensive at $1500 a pop! It just is. So if your pregnant three-legged Jersey heifer had a spot of artificial insemination with this "elite" stuff you'd want to get her a nice new prosthetic leg, too, right? Good ol' Farmer Geoff Heazlewood from Tasmania is doing just that for recent amputee, Theresa. Sensible man. And let's hope Theresa's calf will show all the good breeding that Canadians are reknowned for!

There is so much heavy news in the world at the moment. But I don't want to talk about Theresa today (though I will try and keep track of her and her progress. Apparently four prosthetic limb-makers are falling over themselves wanting to be the ones who do this 'other' deed for Theresa ..). Stay tuned.

Today I feel it is my duty to bring you the daring exploits of Pablo Wendel. Now, I know you are probably sick of hearing about him: "Pablo Wendel this Pablo Wendel that", but he needs to be celebrated and thus take his rightful place in the artistic history of THE WORLD. And, in case you are an uncultured person and dreadfully ignorant of all the important world-changing achievements of we artists, crafts-people and mime practitioners, I had better fill you in on Pablo's latest.

Well, 26 year old Pablo Wendel is a German performance art student who is currently in China. Do a lot of Germans go to China? I know the Japanese and the French have a big thing going. (But not as big as Canadian and Tasmanian cattle!) Anyway, Pablo, being German and therefore a right funster, thought very carefully about where he would stage his next crazy crazy funny German piece of performance art ( ie., where he would get MAXIMUM laughs and tolerance). Consequently he came up with those famous life-size terracotta warriors that were dug up somewhere in China - which is now a major tourist mecca. (Except I don't think I have heard Muslims go there a lot; though I'm sure Muslims and Germans and Chinese share heaps of jokes together). Anyway, it's a metaphorical mecca.

So what did Pablo do? Film it for Funny Home Videos, I'm hoping ! Apparently he swanned in there with his home-made warrior outfit and small pedestal (as you do), put on his military costume, and set up the pedestal in the pit among the 2000 terracotta warriors and horses; standing there still and unblinking for A FULL TWO MINUTES. Then the Chinese finally caught on that the pink-faced statue with rosy cheeks and facial hair was probably not Chinese, either past or present, and sent him packing back to his art school. BUT THE ACCLAIM OF THE WORLD WENT WITH HIM!!! So much for Super Powers.

Now I'm thinking this will start a new Terracotta Warrior Joke Craze. Something, possibly, like that craze many years ago around the world where you would steal your neighbour's garden gnomes, take off on an overseas holiday with them, and periodically send postcards from the gnome, or photos of them at famous tourist sites (like in China!) back home to your poor nervously-wrecked neighbour. What a lark that was! My sister did this. (I never went far enough.)
Yes! I can see it now! In fact, I can see one better than that!

How about nicking a few dozen terracotta warriors out of the pit and replacing them with garden gnomes!?! Those Chinese officials would laugh their heads off (or yours) wouldn't they?! Now, of course we would have to be culturally sensitive and not use any of those rude garden gnome statues that are available (you know the ones); but I think maybe gnomes holding garden implements, lanterns, Mulan DVDS, etc is OK or even some of the Disney seven dwarves! Here are some gnomes I found:

Oh, by the way the BEST spelling error I EVER SAW was "Garden Knomes"! HA HA HA HA HA HA H A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!! (Pside-splitting!)

Oh, and by the way again, I am actually a gnome-owner myself. When scientists finally unravelled the human genome ( Clinton was U.S. president) I went out and got a set of gnomes for my garden as a memorial. I thought it was funny.

Also, if you google images for garden gnomes, it is interesting that one of the pictures that comes up is that huge carving thing in America of the four presidents at Mt Rushmore. They must have been really big for gnomes .. . Another image that comes up is Gary Glitter. Ew!

So what's the bet this Terracotta Warrior Joke Craze has a domino effect? (I'd like to see that, too!) Garden gnomes and three legged cows everywhere will be shooting off to China IN DROVES. And probably Ashton Kutcher. This is not the last we will be hearing, I'm sure!
No Canadians though, please. We need you for other things.