Celebrity cellulite !!! Who can resist it?! Just love it!! Spotty, wrinkly stars!! Who can resist stars without make-up?! SHOW ME A WOMAN WHOSE ENDORPHIN LEVELS DO NOT SUDDENLY SPIKE WITH JOY AT A PICTURE OF KATIE HOLMES LOOKING LIKE A GARGOYLE IN A BIKINI ,SHOWING OFF A WOBBLY CAULIFLOWER BOTTOM !!! Haven't found a pic of that yet, but stay tuned, dear readers, stay tuned.

Sumo wrestlers: Hollywood sit up and take notes. These guys (and gals) have everything, don't they? Sport, fame AND fat. You've gotta love that! Heard of the child obesity epidemic? Sumo plot. They're gonna rule the world.

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Unfortunately, cellulite photos of well-known Westerners have copyrights that are more jealously guarded than Angelina does Brad, and are difficult to blog. Luckily, no-makeup pictures are far more abundant - probably because cellulite photo oppurtunities tend to happen in a flash (but Britney is good place to start!) You've got to be quick with the zoom lens and have lucky lighting, whereas once you spot a celeb with no make-up, it's pretty easy to set your mobile phone camera on burst and get a good shot.

Eva Longoria

Sigh* I've got a warm, sunshiney feeling just thinking about it!

'Cellulite' is not a medical word. It is a marketing term coined in European spas and salons (that's why you sometimes hear the pronunciation 'celluleet') and made popular in an industry book in 1973. Shonky 'treatments' and advice have sucked in millions and their money since then. Let's face it: all women have it and it is normal and historical and not some kind of "fat gone wrong" - full of toxins and gunk that need to be purged. In fact, it's actually good because it stores fat away from vital organs, plus it helps you to make it to Day 39 on Survivor without eating your tribe members. I've seen toddler girls with cellulite! Biologically, it is normal. YOU ARE A FREAKISH MUTANT IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY! So that explains the Olsen Twins ........

Make-up, however, does have a long history in human civilization e.g the guy-liner those Pharoahs used around their eyes. (Even their metrosexual mummies wore it!)

But what's better: a good celebrity bum-dumpling photo, or an AAAGH-My-Eyes-Are-Melting make-up-less moment? Poor Goldie Hawn.

Oh the comfort we are afforded from all those saggy, puffy, acned, blotchy faces in Tinsel Town.

mmmmmm .... there's that sunshiney feeling again .....

Now, I need to remember a few worthy sub-headings. The first is Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong.

Liz Hurley with Donatella Versace.

(Liz thinking: Must age gracefully, must age gracefully.. )

The second is before and after computer re-touching/manipulation. They now offer this with school photos, did you know? Isn't that a worthy use of technology? The ultimate in zit-zapping!
Unfortunately for Tinkerbell, not even Photoshop could help.

We could all learn something from the Japanese and how their culture glorifies wibbly wobbly dimply bits, and how they venerate their elders: This is the cure for cellulite!

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Employing an ancient Japanese tradition, here is my commemorative Hollywood haiku for this post:

beautiful people

celebrity cellulite

butt ugly faces

Pick your favourite star and have a go! (First line, five syllables; second line, seven syllables; third line, five syllables.) Write about any aspect you like and share it with us!

(The de-toxing effect is marvellous and you will look and feel years younger!)

Who wears platform leopard skin boots at 8.30 a.m. to take their kid to school? I spotted a woman doing that yesterday; Asian lady, blonde foils, spray-on jeans and ridiculous leopard skin shoes! The funny thing is that the primary school encompasses eight levels and a steep upward climb. What a missed photo-oppurtunity!

Oh the cornucopia of human variation I get to witness every day! "The things you see when you haven't got your gun."

native Splendid Blue Fairy Wren

Then there is the Cashed-Up-Bogan (CUB) mum. I don't know if female chests can come in a size J, but she sure got one from somewhere! It's like walking past someone with a bum in a bra. She drives a flash car, has pitch black, long hair with magenta streaks and buys pre-packaged coleslaw from Woolies. We don't get many Yuppies or DINKs here.

What tales I could tell! The teacher with more facial hair than her Viking ancestors, the dad with bad b.o. and sebaceous cysts the size of grapes, the kid whose eyes are off on obtuse angles, the old woman with the hair hat, the mother with bosom problems of disparate altitude, the hunchback emos who can't see past their fringes, shoppers with disgusting toenails in masseur sandals .. ..

No, there is not a nuclear waste disposal site near.

Oh, dear readers, how I dream about a land of leafy avenues and pristine shoreline, where people say 'something' instead of 'somethink'; a place that does not feature often on the evening news. Where "H" is not 'haitch', where the school bell is not the same siren as the cops'. A place where it can rain without the used condoms, hanging off the cyclone fence in the school car-park, filling up like rain gauges. Somewhere with a bookshop. Somewhere without a fast food strip. Somewhere over the rainbow!

Somewhere where bluebirds and pigs fly.

And in that happy land, may the international confederacy of leopards rise up and exact their revenge!

There is something that gives me the heebie jeebies. There's something that makes my skin crawl. There is something that generates more horror in me than a BIRD-EATING SPIDER UNDER THE TOILET SEAT.

And that something is .. Bindi Irwin.



Oh! Dear Readers! I confess! I have felt this way since about two weeks after the Steve Irwin funeral TV special. Um, hang on, was it two weeks (?), there was the Sixty Minutes interview, the Barbara Walters one ... yeah, probably two weeks for Bindi and about one week for Terri.


I'm not going to speak ill of the dead here, and make no mistake, I feel desperately sorry for that poor kid and the rest of her family. BUT I CAN NO LONGER HIDE THE FACT THAT THIS CHILD IS THE MOST IRRITATING AND ANNOYING ANNOYANCE THAT I KNOW!


Go on, hate me now. I know it is tantamount to saying "I make occasional cushions out of puppy skin", or "I eat babies".





It's just that she's everywhere and she is always bubbly and eternally smiley and unfailingly bouncy and permanently enthusiastic and I . simply . don't . believe . it ! In fact, others have noticed this, too, and I recently read a review of her new Jungle Girl show and someone commented that "she appears to be affecting childhood rather than experiencing it". Which means she's pretending to be a kid. BTW, there is no jungle in Australia and we don't refer to the Outback as The Outback - we just call it the bush. The reviewer also said the show was 'creepy' with post humus, pre-recorded appearances by the Croc Hunter.

Every week for months after that fateful day last year, we would have a guaranteed Bindi appearance on the telly; like a promotional Release-Of -The-Week by her agent: an interview, or a rewards ceremony, some kind of high profile appearance, a fundraising appeal. Since then have come the magazine covers, the columns, and more feature articles ... . But that's not all! There's her new show plus her myriad of other wildlife shows, there's her thing she did with the Wiggles, there's her fitness DVD for kids, a clothing range .. . Nowadays I don't buy anything if it contains Bindi Irwin. Today she's in the news for meeting the Dalai Lama!

Bindi's Words of Wisdom. Oh how I hate those: glib and rehearsed. Bet the Dalai Lama copped a few. I just feel like jumping up and shaking that kid and yelling this: "CRY kid CRY! Bloody well kick things and scream and smash a few stinking cameras! WEAR FURS, EAT WHALE, BURN THE BLOODY RAINFOREST DOWN AND OPRAH'S COUCH WHILE YOU'RE AT IT! "

And to Terri Irwin I'd say "Let the child grieve." Then I would add, "Let her go to a normal school. Downsize your wildlife empire".

Give her a natural habitat.

Paris: au naturale and oh gross

I can't imagine what hardships poor Paris Hilton is suffering right now since she was "re-assigned" from jail and allowed to serve the rest of her sentence at home. I hope she honestly and truly promised them, crossing her heart and hoping to die, that she would be very good and stay out of the jacuzzi!

But I'd be checking behind her back for crossed fingers if I were them.

It must be tough doing it tough in a palatial mansion.

"She's singing again!"

But, dear readers, how would we know? How do any of us who enjoy the freedoms of everyday drudgery know what she must be going through right now?! Try and imagine just how unbearable it is for her! That little electronic monitor on her ankle is tres laid and horribly chafing if you've had laser hair removal all over!

What I want to know is will she have to go without all the stuff that she had to give up in prison? Will she have to leave out her blue contact lenses and go brown eye-balled? A brown eye suits Paris. Right up her alley.

Bets are on whether she gets chucked back in jail or not! (Apparently the judge who originally sentenced her is after her again.) She may even have gone back by the time you read this! If that is the case, then the internet gamblers who waged she'd be released under a week will not be happy if they have to refund!!

So what do you think of it all?

Has her public appeal gone forever?

Is it hot?

Will her prison diary be made into a movie?

Will Paris make a comeback?

Will Britney die laughing?

Stay tuned!