There is something that gives me the heebie jeebies. There's something that makes my skin crawl. There is something that generates more horror in me than a BIRD-EATING SPIDER UNDER THE TOILET SEAT.

And that something is .. Bindi Irwin.



Oh! Dear Readers! I confess! I have felt this way since about two weeks after the Steve Irwin funeral TV special. Um, hang on, was it two weeks (?), there was the Sixty Minutes interview, the Barbara Walters one ... yeah, probably two weeks for Bindi and about one week for Terri.


I'm not going to speak ill of the dead here, and make no mistake, I feel desperately sorry for that poor kid and the rest of her family. BUT I CAN NO LONGER HIDE THE FACT THAT THIS CHILD IS THE MOST IRRITATING AND ANNOYING ANNOYANCE THAT I KNOW!


Go on, hate me now. I know it is tantamount to saying "I make occasional cushions out of puppy skin", or "I eat babies".





It's just that she's everywhere and she is always bubbly and eternally smiley and unfailingly bouncy and permanently enthusiastic and I . simply . don't . believe . it ! In fact, others have noticed this, too, and I recently read a review of her new Jungle Girl show and someone commented that "she appears to be affecting childhood rather than experiencing it". Which means she's pretending to be a kid. BTW, there is no jungle in Australia and we don't refer to the Outback as The Outback - we just call it the bush. The reviewer also said the show was 'creepy' with post humus, pre-recorded appearances by the Croc Hunter.

Every week for months after that fateful day last year, we would have a guaranteed Bindi appearance on the telly; like a promotional Release-Of -The-Week by her agent: an interview, or a rewards ceremony, some kind of high profile appearance, a fundraising appeal. Since then have come the magazine covers, the columns, and more feature articles ... . But that's not all! There's her new show plus her myriad of other wildlife shows, there's her thing she did with the Wiggles, there's her fitness DVD for kids, a clothing range .. . Nowadays I don't buy anything if it contains Bindi Irwin. Today she's in the news for meeting the Dalai Lama!

Bindi's Words of Wisdom. Oh how I hate those: glib and rehearsed. Bet the Dalai Lama copped a few. I just feel like jumping up and shaking that kid and yelling this: "CRY kid CRY! Bloody well kick things and scream and smash a few stinking cameras! WEAR FURS, EAT WHALE, BURN THE BLOODY RAINFOREST DOWN AND OPRAH'S COUCH WHILE YOU'RE AT IT! "

And to Terri Irwin I'd say "Let the child grieve." Then I would add, "Let her go to a normal school. Downsize your wildlife empire".

Give her a natural habitat.