Paris Whitney Hilton has looked a bit mopey and contrite lately, hasn't she? Can't blame her. After all, only three or so people reportedly turned up to the "Save Paris" rally recently. See! Tinkerbell, Bambi, and the .. Other One do love her! ("Whisper whisper" .. Oh, it was eight people? The rest of the litter you say ..?)

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS SORRY FOR PARIS? Well, sorry-ish. OK, not that sorry I'd turn up to her rally: but sorry enough to commiserate long-distance, impersonally in a half-hearted cyber kind of way!

*Oh I hate it when my jaw does that python-thing when I yawn.

"I demand the sum ... OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

But hasn't she just had the 45 day jail sentence for violating-the-terms-of-her-probation-and-driving-her-Bentley-with-a-suspended-licence-and-at-70mph- in-a-35mph-zone-without-headlights-at-night predictably slashed in half? Tinkerbell won't be happy. More on my conspiracy theory, later.

"I will use the "Time Machine" to go forward in time and steal Paris Hilton's "mojo" !"

It is distressing. I can see why Paris is traumatised. What does one wear to jail, anyway? Is it like planning your wedding trousseau except in reverse; you know, you start with your 'going away outfit' and you end with something borrowed (government designer uniform) and something blue (unless your bruises are usually purple as is the case with me)? Poor Paris. But you get to wear your own undies, don't you, DON'T YOU?? Errr .. hang on a minute .. ("whisper whisper" .. It wasn't Britney who started it? "Whisper whisper") ... Umm .. forget I mentioned that.

"Do not eat Kit-ty"

Back to that rally. Bit of a "ruse", don't you reckon? A bit "fishy"? A bit "chihuahua-y"? Who, do you think, who stands to inherit the Hilton dynasty fortune if Paris is disposed of? JUST ASK YOURSELF THAT! Well it's not those wannabe forgotten Pomeranians: Dolce, Sebastian and Prince - those not-hot, fatty boom-boom pooches who just did not fit in Paris's purse! No sirree! "They are semi-evil. They are quasi-evil. They are the margerine of evil. Just one calorie: not evil enough!" This is all good evidence to suspect the Number One Chihuahua of weaving wicked designs of world domination and plans to usurp Paris! And the motive? Well, to start with Tinkerbell is a boy! Now if that doesn't make you a sick and vengeful little puppy I don't know what will. In Tinkerbell we behold the face of evil! Who knows what new madness he is plotting somewhere, inside some handbag, in his secret lair RIGHT NOW ? Who would have thought that such a cutesy wutesy, darling, completely un-hideous or malformed representative of the canine world could turn out to be of the "evil genius genus"? Like Mr Bigglesworth.

"Bite me."

I wouldn't worry though. All the military hardware in the world is useless against someone with the singing talent of Paris Hilton. You don't need those lessons in martial arts to defend yourself, Paris: you have that hit song! (.. Get it .. hit song. HIT SONG!

Sigh* My talent is wasted here .... )

"Foiled again!"

FREE PARIS NOW! Before she is even incarcerated! How much more punishment can we stand after all? How many years have we done already??! (How long is it since she started her career in whatever it is exactly that she does?)

I CAN'T STAND ANY MORE!

Flogging isn't legal is it? Tell her that! Give it a few months and we will have lashings of Paris post-prison tell-all-books and interviews, then she'll whip up a bondage-inspired range of casual wear and accessories, flagellate our eyes with prison-themed publicity shots, scourge us with a movie deal: we will be using Paris Hilton nail files, security screens ,thongs, then the musical will come along.. .

Stars are Blind and maybe even tone deaf: but certainly not dumb.

HAVE MERCY PARIS! We are on are knees and begging you! Please reduce our sentence! WE PLEAD FOR SOME LENIENCY HERE!