ROMANCE IS OFFICIALLY DEAD.

And every three seconds around the world someone buys a piece of broken hearted tragedy!



HOW COME NOBODY TOLD ME THAT KEN AND BARBIE BROKE UP???!!

There have been an awful lot of seconds since FEBRUARY 12TH 2004! Yes: 96 917 178 of 'em! And you can say it in three seconds. Less than that ! Try it: "KENANDBARBIEBROKEUP!" "BarbiedumpedKen" "SkankBarbieditchedtoyboy" "KenplayswithBratz" .

So what's the goss? Give us the juice: what happened????

43 years. They have been going out for forty-three years! Mattel's childhood-smashing spokesperson gave the mimsy explanation, "They just wanted to spend some quality time apart. They remain friends," which of course, is a load of twoddle!

Enter the villain of the story: Blaine the Australian Boogie boarder.

Now, I've heard the rumours going around that Ken finally came out of the closet of the dream-house, but I think that's a misconception started by all the loser -looks they've given Ken over the years (Nutcracker Ken and Tea Party Ken with Teddy Bear come to mind). THE MAN IS IN CHARGE OF HER BARBEQUE, for goodness' sake, AND ANY MAN THAT CAN HANDLE A PAIR OF TONGS OVER AN OPEN FLAME IS ALL MAN! Even though he's plastic. Now BLAINE is another matter and that's a girly la-la name for a start. No self-respecting Australian male would ever answer to that! (They should have made it "Blainzy" .) And just look at him:

Doesn't he remind you of someone?

Some people say it was all Barbie's careers that were to blame, or that Ken just never would commit and the wedding kept getting postponed, or that she was never really interested anyway and he was only ever arm-candy to her. Perhaps.

Then some others suggest that it wasn't Blaine that Barbie dumped Ken for but it was, in fact, G.I. Joe, or Action Man. I've even heard that she left him for Barney the purple dinosaur! (He's way too old for her.)

Like all good dramas, this one has a skeleton in the closet. (Not Ken's closet, a different one)(Not Blaine's closet a different different one!). Bild Lilli. Ever heard of Bild Lilli? Well, she's the doll that Barbie Millicent Roberts ripped off.

True! Here's a vintage Barbie:

Here's a Bild Lilli: She was a German-made doll only sold in tobacconists for "the pleasure of gentlemen". Same face as Barbie Number One (1959) same body with torpedo bosoms, same approximate size, and she even came with clothes to dress (and undress) her in. Mattel differentiated their Barbie (eventually) from Bild Lilli by giving her plastic permanent-undies.

So, I'm thinking maybe Bild Lilli has come back after many years and out-vamped Barbie and nicked Ken off her! European hussy! (No perma-knickers either.)

Still, I remain an idealist. I am a Romantic! (I spiral-permed my hair like Jane Seymour did in that Le Jardin ad.)

Ken and Barbie. It's destiny! They will drive off into the sunset in a pink convertible yet !! It's like Romeo and Juliet! Anthony and Cleopatra! Rhett and Scarlett! Ridge and Brooke! Bert and his pigeon! Ernie and his worm! Carson Kressley and

Come to think of it, Ken has plastic dacks, too.

It's doomed.