Paris: au naturale and oh gross

I can't imagine what hardships poor Paris Hilton is suffering right now since she was "re-assigned" from jail and allowed to serve the rest of her sentence at home. I hope she honestly and truly promised them, crossing her heart and hoping to die, that she would be very good and stay out of the jacuzzi!

But I'd be checking behind her back for crossed fingers if I were them.

It must be tough doing it tough in a palatial mansion.

"She's singing again!"

But, dear readers, how would we know? How do any of us who enjoy the freedoms of everyday drudgery know what she must be going through right now?! Try and imagine just how unbearable it is for her! That little electronic monitor on her ankle is tres laid and horribly chafing if you've had laser hair removal all over!

What I want to know is will she have to go without all the stuff that she had to give up in prison? Will she have to leave out her blue contact lenses and go brown eye-balled? A brown eye suits Paris. Right up her alley.

Bets are on whether she gets chucked back in jail or not! (Apparently the judge who originally sentenced her is after her again.) She may even have gone back by the time you read this! If that is the case, then the internet gamblers who waged she'd be released under a week will not be happy if they have to refund!!

So what do you think of it all?

Has her public appeal gone forever?

Is it hot?

Will her prison diary be made into a movie?

Will Paris make a comeback?

Will Britney die laughing?

Stay tuned!

Paris Whitney Hilton has looked a bit mopey and contrite lately, hasn't she? Can't blame her. After all, only three or so people reportedly turned up to the "Save Paris" rally recently. See! Tinkerbell, Bambi, and the .. Other One do love her! ("Whisper whisper" .. Oh, it was eight people? The rest of the litter you say ..?)

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS SORRY FOR PARIS? Well, sorry-ish. OK, not that sorry I'd turn up to her rally: but sorry enough to commiserate long-distance, impersonally in a half-hearted cyber kind of way!

*Oh I hate it when my jaw does that python-thing when I yawn.

"I demand the sum ... OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

But hasn't she just had the 45 day jail sentence for violating-the-terms-of-her-probation-and-driving-her-Bentley-with-a-suspended-licence-and-at-70mph- in-a-35mph-zone-without-headlights-at-night predictably slashed in half? Tinkerbell won't be happy. More on my conspiracy theory, later.

"I will use the "Time Machine" to go forward in time and steal Paris Hilton's "mojo" !"

It is distressing. I can see why Paris is traumatised. What does one wear to jail, anyway? Is it like planning your wedding trousseau except in reverse; you know, you start with your 'going away outfit' and you end with something borrowed (government designer uniform) and something blue (unless your bruises are usually purple as is the case with me)? Poor Paris. But you get to wear your own undies, don't you, DON'T YOU?? Errr .. hang on a minute .. ("whisper whisper" .. It wasn't Britney who started it? "Whisper whisper") ... Umm .. forget I mentioned that.

"Do not eat Kit-ty"

Back to that rally. Bit of a "ruse", don't you reckon? A bit "fishy"? A bit "chihuahua-y"? Who, do you think, who stands to inherit the Hilton dynasty fortune if Paris is disposed of? JUST ASK YOURSELF THAT! Well it's not those wannabe forgotten Pomeranians: Dolce, Sebastian and Prince - those not-hot, fatty boom-boom pooches who just did not fit in Paris's purse! No sirree! "They are semi-evil. They are quasi-evil. They are the margerine of evil. Just one calorie: not evil enough!" This is all good evidence to suspect the Number One Chihuahua of weaving wicked designs of world domination and plans to usurp Paris! And the motive? Well, to start with Tinkerbell is a boy! Now if that doesn't make you a sick and vengeful little puppy I don't know what will. In Tinkerbell we behold the face of evil! Who knows what new madness he is plotting somewhere, inside some handbag, in his secret lair RIGHT NOW ? Who would have thought that such a cutesy wutesy, darling, completely un-hideous or malformed representative of the canine world could turn out to be of the "evil genius genus"? Like Mr Bigglesworth.

"Bite me."

I wouldn't worry though. All the military hardware in the world is useless against someone with the singing talent of Paris Hilton. You don't need those lessons in martial arts to defend yourself, Paris: you have that hit song! (.. Get it .. hit song. HIT SONG!

Sigh* My talent is wasted here .... )

"Foiled again!"

FREE PARIS NOW! Before she is even incarcerated! How much more punishment can we stand after all? How many years have we done already??! (How long is it since she started her career in whatever it is exactly that she does?)

I CAN'T STAND ANY MORE!

Flogging isn't legal is it? Tell her that! Give it a few months and we will have lashings of Paris post-prison tell-all-books and interviews, then she'll whip up a bondage-inspired range of casual wear and accessories, flagellate our eyes with prison-themed publicity shots, scourge us with a movie deal: we will be using Paris Hilton nail files, security screens ,thongs, then the musical will come along.. .

Stars are Blind and maybe even tone deaf: but certainly not dumb.

HAVE MERCY PARIS! We are on are knees and begging you! Please reduce our sentence! WE PLEAD FOR SOME LENIENCY HERE!

The plight of an unrecognized genius is not a merry one. No, dear readers, it is a forlorn journey of hope followed by despair again and again; in vain, in vain and again. Sigh*

Well, enough about me. What's all this latest fashion about not wearing undies ? Paris does it, Britney does it. Don't they know that undies are the world's most reliable form of contraception?

Actually I wish people would stop picking on Britney. After all, she's old, washed up and kinda ugly now: one of us! Poor girl. (Leave 'em on, Brits.)

I was considering becoming a member of the paparazzi the other day because I am going to be getting a new mobile phone/camera - 1.3mega pixels no less! So I thought that if I could just manage to be in the right place at the right time I might make mega bucks. Of course I would be highly-good at it and super- talented because I know what the public wants. I have my finger on the pulse! Who cares about getting the first shots of Tom Cruise's baby or Nicole Kidman's sometime pregnant bump.. no! That's really ho hum and boring. But if I could get a shot of Britney Spears' stretch marks now THAT would be something all women everywhere would re-mortgage their homes to see!!! Poor old Britneigh, ,,,,,,,

Spying runs in my family you see. My Mum spied on the neighbours for years in every house that we ever lived in, and she taught me everything she knew. E-V-E-R-T-H-I-N-G. I have finely attuned ears; I have almost 20/20 vision; I have venetian blinds!! And do you know what? My cousin is a spy. She is! She really, really is! It's supposed to be pretty hush hush, but she works for A.S.I.O which stands for "Australian Secret Intelligence Or (something)". We are meant to tell people who ask that she works "in the public service", so don't spread it around, OK? I kind of feel like Inspector Gadget and that she is my niece, except that she is my cousin.

How do they know that the Brit-pack are not wearing undies, anyway? Do they have telescopic octupus-arms with binocular attachments at the end? Yowzers! Maybe they take a certain kind of forensic swab off their seats. Ew.

Well, all I can say is that standards have slipped. Along with the undies. Both at the same time, in fact. Now when are pantaloons going to come back in fashion? Bring back bloomers is what I say. Give Nicole Ritchie a normal silhouette!

And please, someone, stop Britney from taking up pole-dancing.

Genius.