Who calls their kid 'Homer' or 'Gaylord' anymore?

I was thinking about Humphrey B. Bear this morning and considering that I have never met a Humphrey, young or old, and that the reason is probably because parents don't want their kid to grow up not wearing pants and being sung about as a "funny old fellow".

Then I thought, "Well, I've never met an Elvis, a Bart, or a Saddam, either!" But how many Courtneys, Brittanys, Tennesees, Paris's, Dylans, and Madisons have I tripped over just this morning?! It's kind of funny when you meet parents who call their child "Georgia" and they have never been there. I haven't run into an "America", yet - but give it time! Give it time!

I blame the hormones in pregnant women. If you qualify for that category, then listen up! You are currently not in your right mind. Your brain has been taken over by a pink haze of hormones of which men are deadly afraid. And why? Because you are now a monster of their own creation. This can be good. This can be POWER! But this can also lead to a most unfortunate choice of name because:

1. As your confinement drags on you will find yourself lying on the couch more and more watching soap operas.


2. Soap operas (day and evening) have very silly-named characters.


3. As already mentioned, your better-half is so in awe of your New Mummy Powers that he will not contradict anything you say even when it is something like,"Honey, let's call the baby Aubergine".

To be fair, I can't lay the blame totally at the puffy feet of the new mums and what they are watching on the TV. In fact, these days we stray beyond the confines of our villages so much and meet so many people that we don't like that sometimes the only names without bad connotations are the invented ones! School teachers, especially, have this problem. Who wants to call their baby the same thing as that maniacal ADHD kid you had in your Grade 3 class last year? Or the boy who kept soiling his underpants? Or the girl who had nits and bad breath and issues with fractions? Yes a real dilemma. ... Apple and Peaches are sounding like sensible names now, aren't they?

Dig deep into history is what I suggest. There are quite a number of fogie names that are now coming back into fashion but I think it is worth going even deeper than our grandparents! Let's do an A-Z:

• Altan (Mongol leader)


• Bede (The Venerable)


• Canute (King type guy)


• Dingane (King of the Sulus)


• Enver (Turkish dude)


• Ferdinand .. a guaranteed famous name


• Geronimo .. the name on everyone's lips at some time


• Hereward ( Anglo Saxon thegn. What's a 'thegn' you ask?)


• Ivan (at least four famous ones)


• Jonas (Jolly good especially if your last name is Jones)


• Kabir (Indian mystic and poet)


• Lafayette (unfortunately French)


• Macbeth (out damn spot!)


• Napoleon (as in Dynamite .. well, it's recent history!)


• Olaf (Kings of Norway)


• Pan (not pizza; pretend greek guy with flute. Had goat legs, horns and ears:may be a friend of Humphrey's)


• Qutb-ud-Din (I won't insult your intelligence saying who he is)


• Raziya (FIRST WOMAN RULER OF THE DELHI SULTANATE!)


• Sher (Indian Emperor. If I could turn back time...)


• Tancred (Norman Crusader)


• Usman (Ruler of Hausaland. That's in Africa)


• Valdemar (another king of somewhere or other)


• Wenceslas (not very good by all accounts)


• Xoxe (surname of an Albanian politician last century. Try and say it without feeling kind of naughty!)


• York (Plantagenet Dynasty)


• Zog (King of Albania!)

So there you have it. Pretty well they are mostly from history not herstory ... but if you want a girl's name just add an 'a' on the end. These are real names! Road-tested!

No more names like Buffney or Shananana-na , OK?