Super-sized American chicken

Reasons to get backyard chooks:

• 1. I am colossally stingey and so free eggs appeals to the miser in me.

2. Free range eggs from the shops now cost $8 a dozen.

• 3. I could pretend to be one of the "McLeod's Daughters" cast and I could wear tight jeans and an Akubra hat while still maintaining a cinematic complexion.
• 4. I'd have something to bribe and barter with and be no longer reliant on my charm, good looks and stalking abilities.
  

Freaky, naked Israeli-bred chicken

Reasons not to get backyard chooks:

• 1. I may have to actually touch them at some stage.
• 2. I don't want to clean poo off eggs or anywhere else.
• 3. I'm monumentally stingey and the Scrooge in me balks at shelling out to build an enclosure.
• 4. I've heard they attract snakes. Is this true?
• 5. I've heard they live for nine years but only lay for three. Is this true?
• 6. I've wanted to be self-sufficient in case of a bird flu pandemic, but then getting chooks is not the best move on that chess board, is it? Maybe I could farm platypusses/ platypi/plattercats whatever. ..

• 7. Chicken rage: I have chicken anxiety about encountering it.

• Dear readers, who among you have chook-keeping skills? Go on: own up! You are a vastly talented bunch!
  
  But I'm afraid this venture may all be a little too rustic for me: Dangerous living, risky business, a bit too on the edge? Mmmmm. Maybe I need to ponder it for a decade or two?

Basically all I'm wanting is a chicken nirvana that's easy to look after and poo minimizing.

Any (polite) suggestions? If not just leave your best chicken joke.