Who wears platform leopard skin boots at 8.30 a.m. to take their kid to school? I spotted a woman doing that yesterday; Asian lady, blonde foils, spray-on jeans and ridiculous leopard skin shoes! The funny thing is that the primary school encompasses eight levels and a steep upward climb. What a missed photo-oppurtunity!

Oh the cornucopia of human variation I get to witness every day! "The things you see when you haven't got your gun."

native Splendid Blue Fairy Wren

Then there is the Cashed-Up-Bogan (CUB) mum. I don't know if female chests can come in a size J, but she sure got one from somewhere! It's like walking past someone with a bum in a bra. She drives a flash car, has pitch black, long hair with magenta streaks and buys pre-packaged coleslaw from Woolies. We don't get many Yuppies or DINKs here.

What tales I could tell! The teacher with more facial hair than her Viking ancestors, the dad with bad b.o. and sebaceous cysts the size of grapes, the kid whose eyes are off on obtuse angles, the old woman with the hair hat, the mother with bosom problems of disparate altitude, the hunchback emos who can't see past their fringes, shoppers with disgusting toenails in masseur sandals .. ..

No, there is not a nuclear waste disposal site near.

Oh, dear readers, how I dream about a land of leafy avenues and pristine shoreline, where people say 'something' instead of 'somethink'; a place that does not feature often on the evening news. Where "H" is not 'haitch', where the school bell is not the same siren as the cops'. A place where it can rain without the used condoms, hanging off the cyclone fence in the school car-park, filling up like rain gauges. Somewhere with a bookshop. Somewhere without a fast food strip. Somewhere over the rainbow!

Somewhere where bluebirds and pigs fly.

And in that happy land, may the international confederacy of leopards rise up and exact their revenge!