I FEEL LIKE A BIG PILE OF DOG-DO RIGHT NOW.
No, I'm not saying I'm wanting a bit of 'steaming coil' to eat (though I've seen the Japanese French Iron Chef, Hiroyuki Sakai, dish up similar looking things) rather I INHABIT THE VERY ESSENCE OF DOG-DOEY-NESS.
Bum.

"GOOD NEWS!" said the email message last night.
Immediately I thought "Uh oh".

Isn't it funny how some people's good news is your worst nightmare?? It's like those people who actually look forward to football season, or summer or both; it's like weirdos who enjoy having dental work because of all the nifty gadgetry. It's like someone enthusing over how Tom Cruise and David Hasselhoff are releasing an album of duets together with that geek from Dawson's Creek doing the back-up vocals.

And do you know what, dear readers? All I could do at the time of this maleficent email (apart from immediately stop playing 'groove is in the heart' on my bass while watching My Name is Earl) was to think to myself " M U S T - G E T - T O - M Y - B L O G ..."

You are such understanding, sweet, little people. I love my fans.
sniff*

Anyway. Here is the word that will strike fear into your hearts:
..."INLAWS."

And here are the next two thoughts that I had:

1. Where can I run to? Mexico is too far.
2. I better start cleaning the house now.

They are arriving in December from England.

All of them.

Plus my sister-in-law and her husband and kid.

......Maybe I could volunteer to be the "tonight's ingredient" on The Iron Chef and Chen Kenichi could just be done with it and dice me up and chuck me into his fried rice? Or Michiba could demonstrate carbon- neutral cooking and finely slice me into strips of sashimi and serve me up with a lotus blossom. Yoo hoo! Chairman Kaga! I'm over here!

SAVE ME, DEAR READERS, SAVE ME!!!!!!!

Clark? Lois? Earl? Astroboy? Someone? ....................

GASP! The mystery of THOSE BIG QUESTIONS that I asked in the previous post deepens, dear readers!!! Now, we have discussed some of this in the comments, but I had to post this post-post because I have noticed something that is really freaky weird!!

OK - scroll down till you get to the pic of Keith Urban; then scroll up again until all you can see is half his face from the nose up .... ... ... ...

NO! IT'S NOT JENNIFER ANISTON ON A REALLY REALLY BAD DAY IT IS STILL KEITH URBAN!

(But that freaks me out nonetheless. jUST think about it ..)

What if one day they breed together???

OH, IF ONLY FRANK OZ WAS STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is a mystery to me. Why, for example, has the U.S more plastic pink flamingos than there are real flamingos in the world? Why am I sitting here eating an early lunch of titanic pizza from Tippy's (the pizza maestros) when I have just logged off my membership at (Australia's) The Biggest Loser website forum?? And why does Keith Urban obviously employ a muppet as his hair stylist?
I need to ask Oprah: there are things she 'knows for sure'.
... Or maybe someone should call the Useless Men (see link)...

By the way, that should be maestri because it is the plural form of the masculine noun.
Sigh*

The plight of an unrecognized genius is not a merry one. No, dear readers, it is a forlorn journey of hope followed by despair again and again; in vain, in vain and again. Sigh*

Well, enough about me. What's all this latest fashion about not wearing undies ? Paris does it, Britney does it. Don't they know that undies are the world's most reliable form of contraception?

Actually I wish people would stop picking on Britney. After all, she's old, washed up and kinda ugly now: one of us! Poor girl. (Leave 'em on, Brits.)

I was considering becoming a member of the paparazzi the other day because I am going to be getting a new mobile phone/camera - 1.3mega pixels no less! So I thought that if I could just manage to be in the right place at the right time I might make mega bucks. Of course I would be highly-good at it and super- talented because I know what the public wants. I have my finger on the pulse! Who cares about getting the first shots of Tom Cruise's baby or Nicole Kidman's sometime pregnant bump.. no! That's really ho hum and boring. But if I could get a shot of Britney Spears' stretch marks now THAT would be something all women everywhere would re-mortgage their homes to see!!! Poor old Britneigh, ,,,,,,,

Spying runs in my family you see. My Mum spied on the neighbours for years in every house that we ever lived in, and she taught me everything she knew. E-V-E-R-T-H-I-N-G. I have finely attuned ears; I have almost 20/20 vision; I have venetian blinds!! And do you know what? My cousin is a spy. She is! She really, really is! It's supposed to be pretty hush hush, but she works for A.S.I.O which stands for "Australian Secret Intelligence Or (something)". We are meant to tell people who ask that she works "in the public service", so don't spread it around, OK? I kind of feel like Inspector Gadget and that she is my niece, except that she is my cousin.

How do they know that the Brit-pack are not wearing undies, anyway? Do they have telescopic octupus-arms with binocular attachments at the end? Yowzers! Maybe they take a certain kind of forensic swab off their seats. Ew.

Well, all I can say is that standards have slipped. Along with the undies. Both at the same time, in fact. Now when are pantaloons going to come back in fashion? Bring back bloomers is what I say. Give Nicole Ritchie a normal silhouette!

And please, someone, stop Britney from taking up pole-dancing.

Genius.

Mud cake is not actually nice. Basically it is just badly cooked, too dense and soggy, failed normal chocolate cake. BUT THEY KEEP PROMOTING IT LIKE IT IS SOME KIND OF SUPER CAKE! (Though I'm sure Chloe Sullivan, from behind her desk at The Daily Planet, is way too smart to ever eat a piece of it; oh, but Clark would - but only if it had oodles of kryptonite hidden in it (he's a bit dim our Clark); as for Lana, well she may or may not: depends on whether she's kissing someone with her chimp lips at the time ..) Yes! It is UBER CAKE and everyone is meant to lust after it! Furthermore, some of us have even been successfully programmed to like it! Think about it! I bet YOU know someone who likes mud cake .. yes........ .This is an observation I have made recently. I just know it is key to some larger conspiracy ... .
The sneaky buggers.

Meanwhile, here is a picture of my favourite chocolate biscuits: TimTams. Now, you can safely eat these - THEY ARE TOTALLY INNOCENT. No secret, surreptitious, clandestine, furtive, incognito, incommunicado goings-on here ... no sirree!

Now the reason why they are safe is because they are AUSTRALIAN. And everyone knows that we Australians are cute and fluffy and friendly just like koalas. Not that I am anti American or anything, but the U.S is the home of CIA plots and double plots PLUS they have those really dodgy-looking Oreo bickies. ("Cookies", whatever ..) Obviously a proto-type.

You can't fool me! I watch reality TV!

And what doesn't Lex Luthor choose to eat when he makes an order at The Talon?
MUD CAKE.