grapes-of-wrath

DON'T PANIC!!! (Written in large, friendly pink letters) I'M BACK FROM MY HOLIDAY !!!
And I am full of wrath for those dear little grapes in our southern wine-growing region, esteemed readers, I'm full of wrath!

"Free us, kind lady," they would call to me from under the scum inside those stinking barrels of putrescence, "set us free...!" But what can one do at 120 km/hr in a Hyundai Getz on a country road with savage cows at the farm gate? And there were just too many crying for liberty; vineyard after vineyard; if I helped one I'd have to help all, wouldn't I ?! Don't think it was an easy thing to do - just leaving them there! How do you think I felt?? All those accusing branches of the bare, pruned vines JUST POINTING AT ME and beckoning me. I'm all for grape liberation, dear readers, but I cannot do it alone!

My sister's boyfriend/partner/de facto/nice wedding hater is a wine snob. They do the vineyard taste tours and buy what he approves of. I have noticed that certain people in society think they will attain a higher degree of personal 'quality' if they can spit wine in buckets and compose a sonnet about its decomposition afterwards. But, as I always like to point out, who actually likes the stuff the very first time they taste it ???

Yes, you may have gathered by now that I don't drink alcohol. That's because it is GROSS. And I'm not limiting myself to wine here, dear readers, oh no: beer gets the thumbs down, too, and, in fact, I think it is slightly more revolting than wine because not only does it taste like something a toddler vomitted up and left in the sun, but it smells like B.O., also! THESE BEVERAGES ARE JUST SO DISGUSTING and I am not going to forcibly 'acquire' the liking for it; they are wholly foul and detestable! I'm not going to comply to be more socially acceptable, either. So there. Now, you may disagree and have your own views, of course. But please don't try and convince me about wine's health properties, because red grape juice has exactly the same flavenoids or polyphenols PLUS it lacks the alcohol, which is a tumour growth-promotant among other things. (Just so you know.)

But what do I do with all the obscenely expensive bottles of wine and champagne that Instant Jim's rich, private school mummies and daddies give to him at the end of the year??? (These people are the MEGA MEGA rich!) Well, mostly pour them down the sink. (Though, I have kept a couple aside in my bird-flu stockpile to be used as topical disinfectant for wounds and savage cow bites.) Instant Jim would like bottles of cordial far better. Imagine the good stuff that could be made with those swanky grapes!

I do fancy being a Grape Liberator (with my own theme song). I could have a cape! And I'd charge up to the cellar doors on my Andalusian stallion like Zorro, climb onto the roof, lower myself down through a skylight, chuck ice into the vats, leave some pamphlets and intense protest poetry, then deftly cut my initials swish ! swish! swish! onto the door with my sword before turning in a swirl of dust and galloping away again!

Applications are now open for my Side-Kick. Must have Ninja cow-
fighting skills.

grapes-of-wrath
Originally uploaded by anonymous jones.