Soccer. BORING. I'd rather watch grass grow. In fact, the only interesting thing ABOUT soccer is the grass. So, when Instant Jim foils my evening's pleasurable watching of Desperate Housewives, and insists, in a gender-induced pyschosis, that he is GOING to watch the WORLD CUP, I think to myself " Oh well, at least I get to see that really exciting grass!"

I suppose, over the years, I have become quite the connoisseur of sporting turf. Those guys on the mowers THEY are the real legends out there, THEY are the heroes and role models for our young!

Precision. I LOVE THAT GRASSY PRECISION! I really do. All those beautiful patterns they mow into the grass in those arenas - how do they do it? Is it by direction, or by length, or by fertilizer ?? These are the mysteries of life. So we ponder them during the ho-hummity of the World Cup. (Snore.)

It's a game for GIRLY-MEN (as Arnold Schwarzenegger may say), is it not? Just look at all the mean, cat-fighting, hissy-fit carrying on that happens constantly .. HEY, they should put a bit of soccer in The O.C, shouldn't they?! Marissa in a scrum .. Marissa head-butting her Chanel bag at What's-His-Name ... What's-His-Name pulling his shirt up - oh .. they do that already.

Obviously it's not as girly, of course, as baseball and grid iron with the funny, tight little latex breeches that they wear. But as a third place it qualifies! Nice hair do's some of them have... quite pretty pulled up in cute little pony tails. Yes, a wee bit of sarcasm that was. Maybe I am being too harsh? Why should soccer players and choir girls everywhere not model the same socks, after all? (But I hear rumours of blue nail polish and blonde tips! Surely not? I can't imagine rugged Englishmen doing that kind of thing! )

The best grass patterns are the swirly ones. Very hard to get right, I imagine, without it looking as if the turf aestheticians were a bit tipsy behind the wheel of their mowers. I DO like the classic chequer board, though. The stripes appear a bit cheap.

I'm waiting for the day they get really experimental and some nice crop-circle designs appear in the World Cup grass. And at long last, when we lift our eyes from the skilful magnificence carved in the turf, hopefully all the players would have been abducted.