SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT ON THEIR HAPPY PANTS, DON'T THEY?!

This is a diagramme of my brain. Enough explanations.

(Yes nurse, thank you, you may put in my intravenous chocolate drip now.)

Time for the official Change of Subject: Do you agree with the following statement -

"A facial hair style can make a man look: handsome, mature, rugged; dashing, sexy, intelligent; friendly, decisive, aristocratic; distinguished, bold, evil or simply stylish."

Depends, I guess. Though 51% of women give it a general thumbs up. I have been doing some beard research (somebody's got to) and I have found out some interesting things. For example,

FACIALLY HAIRY MEN ARE VAIN ! And all along I just thought they were lazy. It's a little subculture. They have their special beard shampoos and moustache conditioners, they have styling products, colouring and bleaching goo and , AND .......

BEARD MAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No kidding. It is applied with a special brush and washes out with shampoo.

I'm feeling faint with the visions of manly Maybelline beards that I am having - but I will press on.

Some men just should NOT bother. Leonardo Di Caprio. Nup. Forget it. Definitely a "ban facial hair" type face.. You don't agree? Oh come on! He is way too angelic and girly looking, and facial hair just makes him look like the daughter of a circus freak who forgot her monthly electrolysis appointment ...

How about the Don Johnson five o'clock shadow? Mmmm. Acceptable.

Have you noticed the current trend for really sculpted face do's? Is that a gay fashion ? Seems to have crossed over if it is. Why take up topiary when you can landscape your face? Makes me wonder why more men don't grow company logos on their cheeks and get paid sponsorship. I would!

Wolverine (Xmen) has made a big contribution with his six foot sideburns. The lead singer of Wolfmother has 'em, too. I think Elvis was the prototype there.

UGH!! BUT ONE THING I JUST CAN'T STAND ARE THOSE TEENY BIKINI WAX BEARDS JUST UNDER THE BOTTOM LIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!They come in traditional triangle, or Brazilian clipped strip. Ick! !Apparently they are known as 'taints'. Entertainment and an education is what you get here, dear readers! Ick again!

I've got to keep a watch on Instant Jim now - KNOWING WHAT I KNOW. For yes, it is true, he is hairily inclined. Luckily, so far, he fits none of those adjectives. (Joking! He is a mightily handsome man - something of a cross between Orlando Bloom and Drew Carey. With a beard.)

Now, I must sign off and press the buzzer.

"Nurse, it's time for a top up!"