How low can I go? How much further can I stoop till I scrape the bottom of the barrel of human scummy-ness? If that is a word.

Question: What is worse than stealing candy off a baby?

Answer: Stealing a WONKA WHIPPLE SCRUMPTIOUS CARAMEL DELIGHT BAR off your poor, poor Mother who LIVES IN A NURSING HOME!!!!!!!

Yes, it is true, dear readers, I did do that horrible thing! And now I hang my head in abject shame. So go ahead shake your heads and tut-tut at ME THE CRIMINAL!

I'M SORRY!!

OK, now I will make my plea of insanity. Or at least diminished responsibility. You see, the problem is that my life has been virtually hijacked since my Mum had a major stroke and had to go and live in a "care facility". She is not bent or sick or feeble, but she is incapacitated. I am in charge of all her affairs and it is a HIDEOUS HIDEOUS JOB, since everything is such a mess. Currently I am trying to save her pension (which has already been cut) and her assets from the greedy, griping, grasping government. So I nicked her chocky to get back at her!

I KNOW it's not her fault. Well, not intentionally anyway. But I still feel angry and upset and resentful. (Actually, I had not given it to her yet. It was still in the fridge. But it was reserved.)

So, I think some self-flagellation is in order now, don't you? How about making use of my old riding crop, or one of Instant Jim's belts for a good whipping? Or maybe I could repeatedly shut the cutlery drawer on my fingers and stub my toes on the door jamb? What about a spot of ear-ironing like Dobby did in Harry Potter? Head-banging? Licking the freezer? Flushing the toilet while in situ ? Spinning myself in the dryer? Writing a fan letter to Tom Cruise???

No. None of that is bad enough.

The only suitable punishment that will make me feel awful enough is more guilt. So, I better go get that other Wonka Whipple Scrumptious bar out of the fridge RIGHT NOW !!