Pregnancy Anatomical Model

Pregnancy Anatomical Model
Originally uploaded by idahostudios.

Beats me how pregnant women can go to the toilet AT ALL! Still, it explains why the three little pigs are the way they are considering I spent all that time before they were born SITTING ON THEIR HEADS!

Now, here is the perfect oppurtunity for a caption contest. Please submit all entries to my comment box.

Oops! One more thing before I go - Britney, I need my snake back.

Stupid world. Stupid, sexist, revolting world.

How much does it suck to be female? Ha ha ha, let's all make little jokes and laugh it off when women complain about anything they find offensive.

Men are, by and large, creeps. Absolute nasty pasties.

I am a member of a music forum where the female membership is 1.3%. The other 98.7% are knuckle-dragging troglodites. You just would not believe the hostility whenever I suggest something is a teeny bit upsetting to people who have XX chromosomes. And sometimes SOMETIMES you even get other women putting you down! Traitors!

Why we all haven't risen up and slaughtered men by now is beyond me. It's probably because of the traitors.

OH, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, the little chicky-babe thinks she can think. Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .

Would a black person not be offended by an ad featuring another black person, semi naked with a spear and a ring through their nose and a bone in their hair? Well, what is the difference between that and a woman with nearly zero clothes, fishnet stockings and squashy, escaping bosoms?

Feminism has failed.
It has bloody well failed.

Sigh. Another day, another twelve hours full of composting oppurtunities!!

As I shovel another handful of technicoloured jelly snakes into my mouth, I will tell you about my love affair with compost.

Well, it all began when my sister came to visit and gave me a copy of her favourite gardening magazine before she left. Inside was a very good article about the delights and benefits of starting your own wormery and what a beneficial harvest of worm wee and worm poo you could treat your garden with!

"Oh joy!" I thought, "What a nice change from the doo-doo harvest it usually gets from the dog and cat!" and visions of the landscape's bounty filled my mind and heart.

But, on investigation of commercially available worm farms, I discovered they were horrendously expensive! Over $100.00 in fact. Imagine! Just to buy 500 of the little critters (the garden variety will die in captivity) costs $20.00! I suppose I could do it myself with free styrofoam fruit and vege boxes, but I had lost momentum.

I investigated compost tumblers ($450.00 for the smallest). Finally I settled on a compost bin - twenty five bucks or so from Kmart. (But I have a special little tool to aerate it with! Woo hoo!)

Anyway, back to my love affair.

I just can't stop thinking about compost, because, at the end of the day, unless you dry and eat the worms (like some hippy people do, no doubt with lashings of tofu and alfalfa sprouts) then the worms are just the catalysts, part of the cause, not the effect! It's that rich, crumbly, dark, sweet smelling stuff I want. Sounds a bit like a Cadbury Flake Noir, but that would never make it out of my hand, let alone out of the house and onto the garden!

I have even been DREAMING about compost. I jest not! The other morning I woke up so happy and was nice to everyone for the whole day! THE WHOLE DAY!!

But is it becoming an addiction? I AM looking for every composting oppurtunity that I can. Mountains of tea bags - in the bin! Hills of vegetable peelings - in the bin! The contents of the vacuum bag - in the bin! (Though I don't know what kind of quality compost bits of lego and Barbie accessories make.)

There's more! Tumble-dryer lint! Hair brush hair! Dog brush hair! Crusts of bread! Dead flowers from the jam jar in the middle of the kitchen table! Dark, shrivelled stuff at the back of the fridge! Split, dripping, mouldy stuff from the front of the fridge! Oh, and on the weekend, Instant Jim even retrieved a highly malodorous rodent/marsupial/(??) that had died in the roof - it may still be in the garbage bin outside .. should I .. ....... it seems such a waste ..

~ .. " " ' ` # ^ .... / " ~ ~ ~

I'm starting to shake a bit now. I think my pupils are slightly dilated. I've got to get off this compost stuff.

Oh my love, my love. My lovely stinking pile of rotting refuse!

I don't want to become enslaved, addicted, CONSUMED! I don't want to become a Neat Freak by default. And, dear readers, I am I AM! Just see my shame as I hover over everyone at mealtimes (and in between!) waiting for them to finish, or nearly finish, and then WHISKING away the left overs just so I can go outside and see my darling with another love-offering; a Sonnet of Scraps!

Alas is me! Parting is such sweet sorrow!

Past cure I am, now Reason is past care,

And frantic-mad with evermore unrest;

My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are,

At random from the truth vainly expressed;

For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,

Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.

Sniff*

Shakespeare must have had a compost heap, too.

Do you know what really cheeses me off? ("Oh no, here we go again") HMMMMMMMMMMMM? Well, it is how the NORTHERN HEMISPHERE ("OOh we're so good, we're the northern hemisphere!") put themselves AT THE TOP of every and any map of the world!
THIS IS HEMISPHEREISM!

Take a little look, children, at space. Is there any top? Is there any bottom? Indeed, can anyone tell me where there are little signs pointing the way, bobbing around on a buoy, in that great vacuum?

Consequently, Australia is constantly being called "Down Under" usually by hoighty toighty, high and mighty Northern Hemisphereans. And don't they feel just so smug and superior while they are saying it! "NO" I declare, "Actually, we are Up Over". But this is usually ABOVE their comprehension and the poor, simple dears merely give me a quizzical look. Can't blame them really, I suppose. They have been brainwashed all these years, every night during the weather report, and all through their school career by evil, plotting teachers of the Northern Agenda.

But maybe we in the "Great Southern Land" are not even the alternative Top of the World (for those of a free mind.) The Equator may just as well be the top and the bottom at the same time!! THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING AND IT IS ALL OBVIOUSLY ABITRARY. But who, dear readers, is there to question this besides me? Who has the courage? If we could but start a movement for latitiude and longitudinal emancipation WE JUST MIGHT BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE!

Think about it. What would the East do, if they suddenly found out that they may really be the west? Rewrite a whole lot of propaganda, that's what! And who would be skipping borders if Northern America instantly became South America????? See what I mean? Plus we would have the added bonus of the abolition of team sports (those odious mens' games) since no one would know which region they belonged to anymore!

Ah. Utopia.

I hope you see now how structured and institutionalized our thinking is on a world-wide scale. While you are on the top, you never question anything. It's like being blonde. It is left to the UNDERdogs- the avante garde and iconoclasts of geography - that the fate of the world depends on if it is to be liberated from the Hemisphereans' constraints!

So, burn those atlases! Smash those pre-conceived compasses! Rip that weather vane off your roof and trample it under foot! Or over foot! Let a new age begin.(Trumpets..)

And let the birds fly unfettered in the winter!

Soccer. BORING. I'd rather watch grass grow. In fact, the only interesting thing ABOUT soccer is the grass. So, when Instant Jim foils my evening's pleasurable watching of Desperate Housewives, and insists, in a gender-induced pyschosis, that he is GOING to watch the WORLD CUP, I think to myself " Oh well, at least I get to see that really exciting grass!"

I suppose, over the years, I have become quite the connoisseur of sporting turf. Those guys on the mowers THEY are the real legends out there, THEY are the heroes and role models for our young!

Precision. I LOVE THAT GRASSY PRECISION! I really do. All those beautiful patterns they mow into the grass in those arenas - how do they do it? Is it by direction, or by length, or by fertilizer ?? These are the mysteries of life. So we ponder them during the ho-hummity of the World Cup. (Snore.)

It's a game for GIRLY-MEN (as Arnold Schwarzenegger may say), is it not? Just look at all the mean, cat-fighting, hissy-fit carrying on that happens constantly .. HEY, they should put a bit of soccer in The O.C, shouldn't they?! Marissa in a scrum .. Marissa head-butting her Chanel bag at What's-His-Name ... What's-His-Name pulling his shirt up - oh .. they do that already.

Obviously it's not as girly, of course, as baseball and grid iron with the funny, tight little latex breeches that they wear. But as a third place it qualifies! Nice hair do's some of them have... quite pretty pulled up in cute little pony tails. Yes, a wee bit of sarcasm that was. Maybe I am being too harsh? Why should soccer players and choir girls everywhere not model the same socks, after all? (But I hear rumours of blue nail polish and blonde tips! Surely not? I can't imagine rugged Englishmen doing that kind of thing! )

The best grass patterns are the swirly ones. Very hard to get right, I imagine, without it looking as if the turf aestheticians were a bit tipsy behind the wheel of their mowers. I DO like the classic chequer board, though. The stripes appear a bit cheap.

I'm waiting for the day they get really experimental and some nice crop-circle designs appear in the World Cup grass. And at long last, when we lift our eyes from the skilful magnificence carved in the turf, hopefully all the players would have been abducted.

Am I taking crazy pills? Am I seeing doppelgangers everywhere? Does anyone know where to place the umlaut in that word?

It's concerning, yes. Something has happened to the rarified world of celebrities, dear readers, and I know just what that is:

They have run out of faces!

They are, in fact, recycling them.

It's true! Now you may remember my most uncanny observation, many blogs ago, that Brad Pitt was turning into John Denver complete with his chipmunk cheeks and all. Remember that?
Well, IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! Oh, and not just once - no isolated occurences here! It's breeding! Do they think we are too stupid to notice? For instance, Mischa Barton. The OC. Night time soap. WELL! She has recycled the very face of day time soap star Deidre Hall, who is Marlena in Days of Our Lives! BUSTED!!!

Then, there is Angelina Jolie. She has re-used (probably without permission) the features of Jaco Pastorius. Don't know who he is? The JIMI HENDRIX of bass guitar, that's who ! - and just as dead. Same eyes, same kissy lips - same!

And this morning, besides Karen Carpenter and Margot Kidder (Lois Lane in the old Superman movie) another FREAKISH DOPPELGANGER SIGHTING happened. Freakish, I say, because it's not only old dead celebs whose faces are getting nicked - it has CROSSED OVER into the virtual world of animation! Consider for a moment, if you please, this evidence I will present. Item one: the new-fashioned Barbie. Item two: Emilie de Ravin who is Claire from the TV show "Lost". I'M GOING NUTSO!!

But the one that has got to me recently is Robbie Williams. Now, I don't listen to his music, but I see his face on the telly all the time and and OH MY! Robbie Williams is the GREEN GOBLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except without the green.

WHO'S NEXT??? Where will it all end? I'm feeling a bit ripped off by all this. It's an outrage, an outrage! I like my celebrities original, though maybe surgically altered ..

Gasp!

There's an idea! ..... An awful lot of them seem to be recycling pre-owned features from the dearly departed .. Yes, it is becoming clear now! John Denver -DEAD, Jaco - DEAD. Deidre Hall - alive .. but her character, Marlena, has died several times on Days of Our Lives and come back to life ........ so DEAD DEAD DEAD!

Spare parts. IT'S EASIER TO GET SPARE PARTS!!!

What's simpler? To get a new wheel arch for your Goggo Mobile - or one for your Hyundai Getz?

They keep the parts in high circulation thus extending the lifetime of their use/career!

My theory is that this is a conspiracy.