Super-sized American chicken

Reasons to get backyard chooks:

• 1. I am colossally stingey and so free eggs appeals to the miser in me.

2. Free range eggs from the shops now cost $8 a dozen.

• 3. I could pretend to be one of the "McLeod's Daughters" cast and I could wear tight jeans and an Akubra hat while still maintaining a cinematic complexion.
• 4. I'd have something to bribe and barter with and be no longer reliant on my charm, good looks and stalking abilities.
  

Freaky, naked Israeli-bred chicken

Reasons not to get backyard chooks:

• 1. I may have to actually touch them at some stage.
• 2. I don't want to clean poo off eggs or anywhere else.
• 3. I'm monumentally stingey and the Scrooge in me balks at shelling out to build an enclosure.
• 4. I've heard they attract snakes. Is this true?
• 5. I've heard they live for nine years but only lay for three. Is this true?
• 6. I've wanted to be self-sufficient in case of a bird flu pandemic, but then getting chooks is not the best move on that chess board, is it? Maybe I could farm platypusses/ platypi/plattercats whatever. ..

• 7. Chicken rage: I have chicken anxiety about encountering it.

• Dear readers, who among you have chook-keeping skills? Go on: own up! You are a vastly talented bunch!
  
  But I'm afraid this venture may all be a little too rustic for me: Dangerous living, risky business, a bit too on the edge? Mmmmm. Maybe I need to ponder it for a decade or two?

Basically all I'm wanting is a chicken nirvana that's easy to look after and poo minimizing.

Any (polite) suggestions? If not just leave your best chicken joke.

Ahh, The Royal Family: you gotta love 'em!

Now, to all my dear little American readers I must explain that David Beckham and Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice) are not, in fact, real royals. I know, I know it is confusing what with David's penchant for silly hats and Posh's latest woofer hairdo which is very corgi-ish. But they're not. Besides, real royals would never hang out with Scientologists!

That naughty ex-butler to Princess Di has been at it again!! Not content with his cringe-worthy series "Australian Princess" (don't even ask, but be warned about an American version!) and his bottles of grog that he peddles in the U.S, Paul Burrell has had the nerve to be secretly recorded having a private conversation in which he declares to some tricksy reporters (posing as businessmen) that the Royals are "mad"! Quel horreur! I never suspected that! Did you ever suspect that? I was sure all those generations of inbreeding and furniture polish had not had the slightest effect on them at all! By the way, when was the last time we had a proper, old-fashioned usurping of the throne? Been a while. Sneaky buggers, those butlers. Better watch 'em..

Of course now that Prince William has ditched his long-suffering girlfriend, Kate Middleton, he's up for grabs again! (I knew that alliance would never last: despite having the vote of approval from the public, imagine having a future queen with the middly, middle-class name of Middleton!) Perhaps Paul Burrell could come up with a candidate from his Australian Princess reality TV show? It would help out with the in-breeding thing! Regrettably, however, the winner of the last Australian Princess did have the unfortunate name of Kylie Booby. Still, that would be preferable to marrying an American (blame Wallis Simpson) but of course both would be preferable to a French connection. Hmm. I wonder who would come out tops if William had to choose between a French girl and a Scientologist??? Oooh! Intriguing! I'd love to falsely lure Paul Burrell to Dubai and entrap him into giving an opinion on that one day! Funny old Poms.

Of course, I have banned my daughters from ever marrying into the Royal Family because I don't approve of them. True! Imagine what ghastly neighbours they'd be? Drugs, booze-ups, wild partying, clandestine affairs, corgi poo! Non non! And I think I'll have to ban them also from marrying a Beckham since David's blue nail polish and squeaky voice might be hereditary. Did you hear how he recently bleached his new coiffure blond only to rapidly shave it all off when his U.S team mates called him Farrah? And this man has three sons! Just buy another Gucci handbag, Posh, have a nice cuppa tea, and close your eyes.

Funny old world innit? The rich get richer and tackier and more immoral, the poor get poorer and want to be like the rich, and the ones in the middle end up on game shows!

I reckon Princess Kylie Booby and Kate Middleton should get together and do some underhanded plotting before it's too late! Give Paul a ring, girls!

And here is the comments box for the previous post which strangely published without one:

Paris Whitney Hilton has looked a bit mopey and contrite lately, hasn't she? Can't blame her. After all, only three or so people reportedly turned up to the "Save Paris" rally recently. See! Tinkerbell, Bambi, and the .. Other One do love her! ("Whisper whisper" .. Oh, it was eight people? The rest of the litter you say ..?)

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS SORRY FOR PARIS? Well, sorry-ish. OK, not that sorry I'd turn up to her rally: but sorry enough to commiserate long-distance, impersonally in a half-hearted cyber kind of way!

*Oh I hate it when my jaw does that python-thing when I yawn.

"I demand the sum ... OF ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

But hasn't she just had the 45 day jail sentence for violating-the-terms-of-her-probation-and-driving-her-Bentley-with-a-suspended-licence-and-at-70mph- in-a-35mph-zone-without-headlights-at-night predictably slashed in half? Tinkerbell won't be happy. More on my conspiracy theory, later.

"I will use the "Time Machine" to go forward in time and steal Paris Hilton's "mojo" !"

It is distressing. I can see why Paris is traumatised. What does one wear to jail, anyway? Is it like planning your wedding trousseau except in reverse; you know, you start with your 'going away outfit' and you end with something borrowed (government designer uniform) and something blue (unless your bruises are usually purple as is the case with me)? Poor Paris. But you get to wear your own undies, don't you, DON'T YOU?? Errr .. hang on a minute .. ("whisper whisper" .. It wasn't Britney who started it? "Whisper whisper") ... Umm .. forget I mentioned that.

"Do not eat Kit-ty"

Back to that rally. Bit of a "ruse", don't you reckon? A bit "fishy"? A bit "chihuahua-y"? Who, do you think, who stands to inherit the Hilton dynasty fortune if Paris is disposed of? JUST ASK YOURSELF THAT! Well it's not those wannabe forgotten Pomeranians: Dolce, Sebastian and Prince - those not-hot, fatty boom-boom pooches who just did not fit in Paris's purse! No sirree! "They are semi-evil. They are quasi-evil. They are the margerine of evil. Just one calorie: not evil enough!" This is all good evidence to suspect the Number One Chihuahua of weaving wicked designs of world domination and plans to usurp Paris! And the motive? Well, to start with Tinkerbell is a boy! Now if that doesn't make you a sick and vengeful little puppy I don't know what will. In Tinkerbell we behold the face of evil! Who knows what new madness he is plotting somewhere, inside some handbag, in his secret lair RIGHT NOW ? Who would have thought that such a cutesy wutesy, darling, completely un-hideous or malformed representative of the canine world could turn out to be of the "evil genius genus"? Like Mr Bigglesworth.

"Bite me."

I wouldn't worry though. All the military hardware in the world is useless against someone with the singing talent of Paris Hilton. You don't need those lessons in martial arts to defend yourself, Paris: you have that hit song! (.. Get it .. hit song. HIT SONG!

Sigh* My talent is wasted here .... )

"Foiled again!"

FREE PARIS NOW! Before she is even incarcerated! How much more punishment can we stand after all? How many years have we done already??! (How long is it since she started her career in whatever it is exactly that she does?)

I CAN'T STAND ANY MORE!

Flogging isn't legal is it? Tell her that! Give it a few months and we will have lashings of Paris post-prison tell-all-books and interviews, then she'll whip up a bondage-inspired range of casual wear and accessories, flagellate our eyes with prison-themed publicity shots, scourge us with a movie deal: we will be using Paris Hilton nail files, security screens ,thongs, then the musical will come along.. .

Stars are Blind and maybe even tone deaf: but certainly not dumb.

HAVE MERCY PARIS! We are on are knees and begging you! Please reduce our sentence! WE PLEAD FOR SOME LENIENCY HERE!

I don't get opera.
I don't get opera like I don't get country music.
And I don't get both of them like I don't get rap. By the way, did you know that rap is spelled with a silent and invisible 'c' ?

The West Australian Opera Company (now don't laugh, we do actually have stuff like that over here and no, they don't wear bikinis or wrestle crocodiles) is turning 40 this year! Yay! And this Saturday they are celebrating with a concert at the Government House Ballroom. DON'T TURN UP IF YOU ARE FAT OR UGLY! Nowadays opera singers have to be young and hot and preferably personal trainers during the day and the audience has to be hip and happening as well as nicely blinged. Yo!

Poor old Dame Joan Sutherland. No oil painting, was she? These days La Stupenda (as she was known) could not compete with the market appeal of Marina Prior. I was always told that opera singers were "large" because they had big lungs and big lungs needed an acoustic body! Maybe the microphones are bigger now? Maybe the singers have birch veneers? Maybe it's Maybelline?

And what's happening with all these pop-opera groups like Il Divo and The Ten Tenors, etc etc.? They're everywhere! I blame Pavarotti for starting it: him and Domingo and Carreras and their little boy band!

It's just all weird and warbly to me. The only good opera is rock opera. Thank you, Queen! Scaramoosh scaramoosh, shall we do the fandango?! Nothing odd about them.

But here is the worry: First it starts with the various trendy opera ensemble groups popping up in our weekend newspaper lift-outs. Then we'll see Amici Forever doing a cross-over featuring Gwen Stefani (what genre hasn't she had a go at?). Next we will have it the other way around and Beyonce will be covering a song from La Boheme ..
and then .. oh dear readers! And then the rap blingerati will mutate and 50 Cent will release an album called LA SCALA at the same time as Eminem releases a video of him narrating, in tempo, the entire four acts of Il Trovatore with a holographic Maria Callas until finally
THE WORLD ENDS WHEN KEITH URBAN, DOLLY PARTON, SHANIA TWAIN, AND GARTH BROOKS FORM A COMPANY AND DEBUT IL RIGOLETTO WITH A BOOT-SCOOTING CHORUS OF BREAKDANCERS AT NASHVILLE AND TAMWORTH!!!! yEE hAA!


oh rap.


*

Who calls their kid 'Homer' or 'Gaylord' anymore?

I was thinking about Humphrey B. Bear this morning and considering that I have never met a Humphrey, young or old, and that the reason is probably because parents don't want their kid to grow up not wearing pants and being sung about as a "funny old fellow".

Then I thought, "Well, I've never met an Elvis, a Bart, or a Saddam, either!" But how many Courtneys, Brittanys, Tennesees, Paris's, Dylans, and Madisons have I tripped over just this morning?! It's kind of funny when you meet parents who call their child "Georgia" and they have never been there. I haven't run into an "America", yet - but give it time! Give it time!

I blame the hormones in pregnant women. If you qualify for that category, then listen up! You are currently not in your right mind. Your brain has been taken over by a pink haze of hormones of which men are deadly afraid. And why? Because you are now a monster of their own creation. This can be good. This can be POWER! But this can also lead to a most unfortunate choice of name because:

1. As your confinement drags on you will find yourself lying on the couch more and more watching soap operas.


2. Soap operas (day and evening) have very silly-named characters.


3. As already mentioned, your better-half is so in awe of your New Mummy Powers that he will not contradict anything you say even when it is something like,"Honey, let's call the baby Aubergine".

To be fair, I can't lay the blame totally at the puffy feet of the new mums and what they are watching on the TV. In fact, these days we stray beyond the confines of our villages so much and meet so many people that we don't like that sometimes the only names without bad connotations are the invented ones! School teachers, especially, have this problem. Who wants to call their baby the same thing as that maniacal ADHD kid you had in your Grade 3 class last year? Or the boy who kept soiling his underpants? Or the girl who had nits and bad breath and issues with fractions? Yes a real dilemma. ... Apple and Peaches are sounding like sensible names now, aren't they?

Dig deep into history is what I suggest. There are quite a number of fogie names that are now coming back into fashion but I think it is worth going even deeper than our grandparents! Let's do an A-Z:

• Altan (Mongol leader)


• Bede (The Venerable)


• Canute (King type guy)


• Dingane (King of the Sulus)


• Enver (Turkish dude)


• Ferdinand .. a guaranteed famous name


• Geronimo .. the name on everyone's lips at some time


• Hereward ( Anglo Saxon thegn. What's a 'thegn' you ask?)


• Ivan (at least four famous ones)


• Jonas (Jolly good especially if your last name is Jones)


• Kabir (Indian mystic and poet)


• Lafayette (unfortunately French)


• Macbeth (out damn spot!)


• Napoleon (as in Dynamite .. well, it's recent history!)


• Olaf (Kings of Norway)


• Pan (not pizza; pretend greek guy with flute. Had goat legs, horns and ears:may be a friend of Humphrey's)


• Qutb-ud-Din (I won't insult your intelligence saying who he is)


• Raziya (FIRST WOMAN RULER OF THE DELHI SULTANATE!)


• Sher (Indian Emperor. If I could turn back time...)


• Tancred (Norman Crusader)


• Usman (Ruler of Hausaland. That's in Africa)


• Valdemar (another king of somewhere or other)


• Wenceslas (not very good by all accounts)


• Xoxe (surname of an Albanian politician last century. Try and say it without feeling kind of naughty!)


• York (Plantagenet Dynasty)


• Zog (King of Albania!)

So there you have it. Pretty well they are mostly from history not herstory ... but if you want a girl's name just add an 'a' on the end. These are real names! Road-tested!

No more names like Buffney or Shananana-na , OK?