Ahh, The Royal Family: you gotta love 'em!

Now, to all my dear little American readers I must explain that David Beckham and Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice) are not, in fact, real royals. I know, I know it is confusing what with David's penchant for silly hats and Posh's latest woofer hairdo which is very corgi-ish. But they're not. Besides, real royals would never hang out with Scientologists!

That naughty ex-butler to Princess Di has been at it again!! Not content with his cringe-worthy series "Australian Princess" (don't even ask, but be warned about an American version!) and his bottles of grog that he peddles in the U.S, Paul Burrell has had the nerve to be secretly recorded having a private conversation in which he declares to some tricksy reporters (posing as businessmen) that the Royals are "mad"! Quel horreur! I never suspected that! Did you ever suspect that? I was sure all those generations of inbreeding and furniture polish had not had the slightest effect on them at all! By the way, when was the last time we had a proper, old-fashioned usurping of the throne? Been a while. Sneaky buggers, those butlers. Better watch 'em..

Of course now that Prince William has ditched his long-suffering girlfriend, Kate Middleton, he's up for grabs again! (I knew that alliance would never last: despite having the vote of approval from the public, imagine having a future queen with the middly, middle-class name of Middleton!) Perhaps Paul Burrell could come up with a candidate from his Australian Princess reality TV show? It would help out with the in-breeding thing! Regrettably, however, the winner of the last Australian Princess did have the unfortunate name of Kylie Booby. Still, that would be preferable to marrying an American (blame Wallis Simpson) but of course both would be preferable to a French connection. Hmm. I wonder who would come out tops if William had to choose between a French girl and a Scientologist??? Oooh! Intriguing! I'd love to falsely lure Paul Burrell to Dubai and entrap him into giving an opinion on that one day! Funny old Poms.

Of course, I have banned my daughters from ever marrying into the Royal Family because I don't approve of them. True! Imagine what ghastly neighbours they'd be? Drugs, booze-ups, wild partying, clandestine affairs, corgi poo! Non non! And I think I'll have to ban them also from marrying a Beckham since David's blue nail polish and squeaky voice might be hereditary. Did you hear how he recently bleached his new coiffure blond only to rapidly shave it all off when his U.S team mates called him Farrah? And this man has three sons! Just buy another Gucci handbag, Posh, have a nice cuppa tea, and close your eyes.

Funny old world innit? The rich get richer and tackier and more immoral, the poor get poorer and want to be like the rich, and the ones in the middle end up on game shows!

I reckon Princess Kylie Booby and Kate Middleton should get together and do some underhanded plotting before it's too late! Give Paul a ring, girls!