I love not spending money.

I feel like I've won.

I love walking through the shopping centre, with the promos and the racks of fashion, and all the latest must-haves screaming out at me to buy them and I just keep walking in smug satisfaction through the droplet clouds of uncovered coughs.

It's like a game. It's like the Devil's snare tentacles in the first Harry Potter movie: just relax and you can free yourself from their money-grabbing, choking hold. Then you can continue unfettered, ducking the sneeze sprays, and conclude your time at the shops much quicker.


I like not dealing with money. I also like not dealing with people in possession of unhygienic manners. The smell of white vinegar and bicarb soda as I clean my kitchen is a sweet one to me. But Dettol in the air-conditioner at the shops wouldn't hurt anyone. (Unlike my shopping trolley... .)

No, I don't have to comply with the advertising fashionazi and buy this season's new look. I will wear things out. And maybe I just don't want to buy some formaldehyde-infused garment from China.

GASP! A RADICAL IN OUR MIDST!! What do I mean "wear things out"? Just what it says, dear readers. It's an ancient, deep secret from our past. Like handkerchiefs. Or tissues. Or common courtesy. I'm not interested in contacting other shoppers' snot wipe.

"Dear Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz? My friends all have Porsches, I must make amends ...". Oh, the shopping lists Heaven must get sent everyday.
Everyone gets their junk mail.
Angels must think we are so gross in our consumerist stew of communicable germs.

Up-date, up-grade, buy-up, make-over. Disinfect.



Get down, get basic, commune with the earth. Preserve.




Is it a want or is it a need? Is it a disease? Emancipate.



And keep a hospital-grade bacteria hand gel in the car to use before you get home.

I distrust people with sawn-off teeth. You know, those picket fence kind that are all EXACTLY the same size and so uniform and white that they look even faker than those false teeth lollies we had as kids. (Whose idea were those, anyway? Hey, honey, I have an idea for a new line of sweets: EDIBLE TEETH! ). I'm still waiting for edible toenails; improvising with the real thing is just not the same.
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It can't be natural: those Disney gnashes. Even Donny Osmond's look real in comparison! They must be nice to brush, though. Or buff. Plus, you wouldn't have to floss because they all join up so well like some kind of ivory monobrow in your mouth!

So let's have a few examples. See if you would buy a used car from these people. Glen Campbell, Tom Cruise (not a car, but a spaceship yes)Barrack Obama Princess Jasmine.

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None of them look very interesting, do they? In fact, I am going to formulate a theory whereby the degree of interestingness of a person is determined by how crooked their teeth are. So, boy bands: boring, Abba: interesting! TV presenters: boring, fishermen: interesting; Superman: dullsville, SpongeBob: fascinating! This is actually based on science. Several years ago a study was done on who people remembered most from their high school days. Was it the class spunk or the blonde girl with the mysterious self-unbuttoning blouse? No. Was it the brainiac or the annoying all-rounder who was good at sport, good at lessons and Miss Personality Friend Of Everyone? Nope. Was it the notorious suck-up or the flamboyant boy? No, no, no. Not, at least as long as they were good or average looking. The people that we remember the most are the asymmetrical individuals which our brain interprets as "ugly" - and they are often in possession of an interesting dental arrangement!

But it's no good having teeth so uniform they could provide a new standard unit of measurement if they are not blindingly white. Refrigerator white. You've got to gleam brighter to be duller in my new theorum! I'm being unfair? Yes, possibly you are right. Models could be one of the greatest untapped brains trust we have in our world today. We must remember to call Vogue when we need our next global think-tank.

No, dear readers, sawn-off teeth make me suspicious. What kind of gnawing and biting has this person done to wear their teeth down so the little bubble in the window of the spirit level sits between those two lines like that? What have they been chomping on? Who have they been chomping on?! Take a step back and observe them with caution and do not fall asleep.


Because, let's face it, they are probably completely boring. So stifle your yawns with another sugary set of dentures from your lolly bag.