I despair for my gender: I really do. If you ever see me and I'm staring into space and my eyes are kind of blank and glazed over then you'll know that the vacuum of despair has filled my brain. This is happening a lot more often with every passing year.
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You know, I used to be just a healthy cynic, a glass teetering on the half empty, a lampooning larrikin lustfully liking alliteration. But no more. You see now, dear readers, I have crossed over into unredeemable territory where the sickened and weary fugitives of gender dwell! And why, you may well ask? Because my female gender is incurably gullible and thereby stupid.
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But not you, dear readers, there are always exceptions to the rule, aren't there?




Perhaps you can commiserate with me. Perhaps you, too, when confronted with the male or female gender boxes on forms, have been tempted to scrawl in "snail" instead. Maybe, like me, you regularly gouge your eyes when in the boobalicious presence of a Traitor To Your Own Kind. Or possibly you howl at the full moon over the sheer misery of that second bloody X chromosome!
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Females just want to believe. Doesn't matter what it is they- just- want -to -believe!
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Let's start a list then, shall we? I'll write down a few that come to mind and then you can leave your own at the end.

1. clinical studies by cosmetic companies actually prove something, follow scientific method, and are good enough to be published in Lancet
   
2. big bums can be made to obey the laws of optical illusions


3. real estate agents are more trustworthy than used car salesmen


4. muesli bars are healthy


5. Tom Cruise is a good dancer


6. daylight saving in the country with the highest skin cancer rate in the world is a good thing as are bikinis


7. G strings are an attractive alternative to normal underwear and fun to wash


8. the $20 000US per American family spent on the "War on Terror" could not have been put to better use
   
9. tea with cream instead of milk is not an atrocity
10. chihuahuas are cute


11. telephone psychics are better than counsellors


12. kids with food on their faces are adorable


13. Justin Timberlake could never get annoying


14. those designer jeans made by child labour are better quality than the Kmart jeans made by child labour


15. makeup is a necessity and makes us look younger


16. the sexual revolution did not rip women off
    
17. diet shakes are a balanced meal replacement

18. Dr House has a soul mate somewhere

Sad, isn't it? We start out believing in fairies and end up believing in stretch mark remover.

Well, dear readers, I'll hand things over to you now. It's possible I may not be able to post for a couple of months as the spectre of the Summer Holidays approaches and with it the Most Dread Inlaws.

Dear oh dear.

Excuse me while I retreat into my shell.

Time to cheer you all up! And what better way to do that than with a new installment of

CELEBRITY CELLULITE!

Yes, this is guaranteed to warm the cockles of your heart and any place else you may have cockles. ( Personally, my cockley bits are a mite chilly: which means I shouldn't go wearing lycra right now.)

Firstly, we'll start off with an old favourite -

Ahh Britney.
Ahh .. memories.
Gimme more gimme gimme more!

Elle McPherson Supermodel:

How dare she be human!

Oh! Mischa Barton! (Proof if ever there was any that bum-dumplings are gender given.)

And my favourite... I've saved this for last just because it is sooooo special. Dear Readers, may I introduce you to Pop Diva, Christina Aguilera!




Alive alive O !

Now you can bask in this feeling for the rest of the day! I perform this public service for free.