I'm back and thank goodness the holidays are over because they sucked. No commiserations please, dear readers, and definitely NO HUGS because today I am prepared and have 5 packets' worth of 600 drawing pins cunningly concealed on my person just waiting for a random hugger. Apparently it's national Hug Day or some nonsense, but I had a very nice little forewarning in the weekend paper thank you very much, so try it if you dare.

The echidna is an Australian monotreme (egg-laying) mammal. It has retro-punk spines which are good for cleaning your shoes on and, like true Australians, prefers a metaphorical embrace.


Trees yes. People no.


Example of the pit-falls of hugging: Pit bull hug-attempt of a porcupine.

Hug day. Stupid, rubbishy Generation Y idea. I blame the mothers for leaving their Gen Y babies in day care; driving off in their window-tinted, air-conditioned 4WDs as their snivelling designer-toddlers clutched hold of mini backpacks, mobile phones and the nearest abandoned kid for comfort. That's where it all started. That and America. Don't know how or why it is but there seems to be a culture of hugginess in the U.S for some reason: hugginess and emotional men who cry. Goodness, I hope it hasn't spread to England! But I'd say, by now, Canada has probably been infected.

Huggy people puff themselves up as if they are emotionally superior.

Gasp! But maybe we are to blame?? Aussie blokes have never been traditionally huggy. Never, that is, except on the sports field. Notably in Aussie Rules footy.

Double gasp! Germaine Greer (fearsome feminist) called it "homosexual horseplay". Now I'm even more worried! Is it like a Scientologist-type plot but by the Blue Nail Polish Set to take over the world? (I've seen Tom Cruise hug people. ..Does he play football, too?)

Apparently there will be "cuddle squads" stationed around the city today, giving away free hugs to people. Disgraceful. At least make 'em pay for them! Plus, does nobody care how hard we've worked for centuries on our inner-urban facelessness, isolation and anonymity!?!

Xenu and his cuddle-squad. Avoid the Perth CBD and especially the pavement outside 108 Murray Street today.

So all we can do for the rest of the day, really, is to take precautions. Maybe we will get lucky and in future years there will be an outbreak of some communicable skin disease and Hug Day will be outlawed.

.

I'm pinning my hopes on it.